All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 4 of 4)

Invite your roommate to sleep over. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. Walk into walls. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!” … Continue reading

Redneck’s Guide to Computer Lingo

This here is the WV Redneck’s Guide to Computer Lingo LOG ON Making the woodstove hotter LOG OFF Don’t add no more wood MONITOR Keepin an eye on thet woodstove DOWNLOAD Gettin the farwood ofn the truk MEGAHERTZ When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded FLOPPY DISK Whatca git … Continue reading

List of Bart Simpsons’ Blackboard Quotations

Episode numbers indicate the blackboard scene used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was “original” and the USA one was repeated. Note that all quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

honorable mentions

These are the Honorable mentions … the reason expensive delicacies usually “taste like chicken” is that they really ARE chicken. Frog legs, rattlesnake, sweetbreads, etc. are actually totally inedible and fancy resturants have been fleecing us for decades. Last Halloween, some kid was out trick-or-treating in a ghoul costume with … Continue reading

Hard To Find Collectables

Official Dan Rostenkowski postage stamp dispensers American Lung Association ash trays M.A.D.D. 12 volt beer coolers American Heart Association butter molds A.S.P.C.A. riding crops Branch Davidian matchbook covers Womens’ Temperance League brandy snifters A.A. shot glasses USMC issue ear rings Save-The-Whales scrimshaw whaling ships “I Visited the World Trade Center” … Continue reading

The Different Kinds of Computer Viruses

Ross Perot Virus -Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Mario Cuomo Virus -It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Oprah winfrey Virus -Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back up to 200 MB. AT & T … Continue reading

Virus Alert

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propagated through email system. If you get an email message with the subject: “VIRUS ALERT!”, do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system. VERY IMPORTANT: … Continue reading

Alternatives to children

TOP 10 REASONS WHY KITTENS ARE BETTER THAN BABIES From dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu 10. Veterinarians have evening hours. 9. Your kitten won’t be able to disturb the whole movie with its crying. Hell, you don’t even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don’t, you don’t even have to … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading

Dan Quayle

One afternoon, former Vice President Dan Quayle was driving home after picking up his daughter Corrine from school. At a red light, a fellow motorist pulled alongside and rolled down his window. “You’re a double for Dan Quayle!” he shouted. “Gee, I hope I don’t look like that guy,” Quayle … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs That It Is Too Damn Cold

People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River Times Square strip clubs advertising “Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!” Mario Cuomo making a fortune shovelling walks Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs … Continue reading