What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Manual Writing?

Here’s an easy game to play. Here’s an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket … Continue reading

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will … Continue reading

Simple Caveman Needum Printer Help

The following is said to have been posted on an Internet newsgroup: Me caveman, simple folk. Want hook-up two printer, two computer. OOG, let me scratch on cave wall: _________ _________ | P5-90 | LPT1 | P5-60 | | Win95 | | Win3.1| | | | | ——— —-|—- ? … Continue reading

HUM: New Intel Chip

INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL’s(TM) Microporcessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip. Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

SEXX Programmers Guide-C-Version

PREFACE: I am trying to write a program that enables computers to engage in sexual intercourse with a willing and able partner (over a LAN or the Internet?). In order for me to do that, I must first teach the programmers writing this code what SEX is. That can only … Continue reading

Windoze Errors

Recently the following undocumented Windows 95 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet: Error Code Error Message WinErr:001 Windows loaded – System in danger WinErr:002 No Error – Yet WinErr:003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now … Continue reading

Geeky Jokes about Pentium Processor bug ….

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that’s close enough for non-technical people.   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.   Q: What’s another name for the “Intel Inside” sticker … Continue reading

Laws Of The Internet

First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator. Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can’t Get There. Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil. Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well. Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota. Sixth Law: … Continue reading

How the Pentium Stole Christmas

Every Coder in Codeville liked objects a lot. “Tested,” “reusable,” that’s what was hot. But the Grinch of reality sulked in his cave Saying, “Hear them all talk of the time that they’ll save!” The Grinch hated Coders, and liked them to sweat. He thought, “I can make them unhappy, … Continue reading

Standard ______-List Reply Form

To : From: I have read your recent post concerning I regret that, because of severe time constraints, I am unable to respond to your posting directly. However, I would like to advise you that I believe that your posting: contains an unacceptable logic Number of Errors in: fact spelling/grammar … Continue reading

The Anit-Chain Letter

This is a chain letter, the anti-chain letter. You will not receive any bad luck by not sending it, nor any good luck by sending it. It is recommended that you send this letter to many of your nearest friends, to encourage them not to send you any more chain … Continue reading

The Glass of Milk

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk’s in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from … Continue reading

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. When your computer is turned off, complain to … Continue reading

Oracle Humor – Our Master Plan

A brief explanation for the uninitiated: The Usenet Oracle is all seeing, all powerful, and generally a smartass. The “lowly supplicants” send the Oracle their pitiful requests for knowledge, and he answers. For information about how to ask questions of (or answer questions as) the Usenet Oracle, email oracle@cs.indiana.edu with … Continue reading

Top Ten Uses For A Deceased PC

Even the most devoted computer junkie cannot hold on to a machine forever. When that box on your desktop finally kicks it, don’t despair–there are always a few uses for a dead PC: Remove the fan and use it to keep cool during heat waves. Hard drives with more than … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Observations

ANGST Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it. If only there were some indication the universe was doing it on purpose! Is the world full of smart people pretending, or imbeciles who mean it? If only you could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without … Continue reading

AOL Diskettes

Announcer: Are you sick and tired of having to go out and buy diskettes every other week to back up your files? Of course you are. Well, I’ve got some great news for you!! America Online has begun a new program of shipping out diskettes for people like you and … Continue reading

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and No Question Seems To Be Too Basic

AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button. “I’ve pushed and pushed on … Continue reading

Software Safety & Reliability

From a talk given by Professor Nancy Leveson, Dept of Computer Science and Engineering, University of Washington, on Software Safety & Reliability (IEEE & ACM Sponsored 4/20/94): An F16 pilot was sitting on the runway doing the pre-flight and wondered if the computer would let him raise the landing gear … Continue reading

A Comparison of Computers and Women

A comparison of computers and women Computer Woman ———————————————————————— doesn’t talk (much)(yet) talks constantly does what you tell it often asks “why” or says “no” does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent metallic taste or no taste yummy pussy hard metal case soft skin disk drives stay the same … Continue reading

Twenty Newsgroups You Can Actually Visit On The Internet…

alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb alt.alien.visitors alt.american.olympian.choke.choke.choke alt.bad.clams alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die alt.bigfoot alt.binaries.sounds-armpit.noises alt.bitterness alt.bob-packwood.tongue.tongue.tongue alt.butt.harp alt.cows.moo.moo.moo alt.devilbunnies alt.fan.debbie.gibson alt.pantyhose alt.religion.wombat alt.sex.boredom alt.spank.tonya.harding alt.timewasters alt.binary.pictures.furry alt.tv.90210.sucks.sucks.sucks

Addicted to Vi

For those of you who don’t know UNIX and have no idea what “vi” is or how to use it, this message will not be very funny to you. For those of you who do know what “vi” is and how to use it, this will be a hoot. (sung … Continue reading

Nerd Test

1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: Openly Ogle Act Non-Chalant Comment “Gee, that’s got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!” Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You’re at a party. … Continue reading

Randoms

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, since the average man can see better than he can think. How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you are on. Diplomacy is the … Continue reading