Bill Gates – Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and … Continue reading

Murphy’s Laws of Computing

================================================= MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMPUTING 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where … Continue reading

You Might Be An Engineer If…

If your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea what you do at work If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa) If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes IF THE ONLY JOKES YOU RECEIVE … Continue reading

Tech Support Joke…

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?” Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?” Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?” Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup … Continue reading

Letters from Camp

Letters from Summer Camp The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column: Dear Mr. Dvorak: Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s … Continue reading

Diagnosis

A fella complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend offered, “Don’t do that! There’s a computer in the lobby of the local Kaiser hospital that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than even their own doctors or nurse practitioners. Simply … Continue reading

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of People in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh my God! They’ve found me!” and bolt. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. When your computer is turned off, complain to … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Observations

ANGST Every time I find out the meaning of life, they change it. If only there were some indication the universe was doing it on purpose! Is the world full of smart people pretending, or imbeciles who mean it? If only you could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without … Continue reading

You may be an engineer

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you stare at an orange juice … Continue reading

Befuddled PC Users Flood Help Lines, and No Question Seems To Be Too Basic

AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn’t get her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button. “I’ve pushed and pushed on … Continue reading

A Comparison of Computers and Women

A comparison of computers and women Computer Woman ———————————————————————— doesn’t talk (much)(yet) talks constantly does what you tell it often asks “why” or says “no” does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent metallic taste or no taste yummy pussy hard metal case soft skin disk drives stay the same … Continue reading

Hacking the Jargon Jungle

Hacking Through the Jargon Jungle When I went to college in the 1980’s, I heard a lot of words like “data input” and “beta version.” They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry. Now that I’ve worked … Continue reading

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 1 of 3)

Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life (Part 1 of 3) 1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to … Continue reading

Computer Acronyms

Useful Acronyms PCMCIA People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can’t See It DOS Defunct Operating System BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months … Continue reading

The Different Kinds of Computer Viruses

Ross Perot Virus -Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Mario Cuomo Virus -It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Oprah winfrey Virus -Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back up to 200 MB. AT & T … Continue reading

Glossary of Computer Terms

*File Description: Glossary of Computer Terms* 640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon access time: foreplay analog: what Ana tosses into the fire assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C… audit trail: what the IRS does Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage … Continue reading

If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek the Next Generation

If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation… By Dave Fuller Picard: Sigma Indri, that’s the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We’ll have two days til we arrive But … Continue reading

Differences in the sciences

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?” ———————————————————————- Engineers … Continue reading

Things To Keep In Mind

Things To Keep In Mind!!! “The drunker I stand here, the longer I get” “I’m working on quicksand here!” “All I need is a roadmap and then I might be able to find a clue.” Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home. Beauty is in the eye … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

By Dave Fore 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.” 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you’ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: . 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it … and … Continue reading

Randoms

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, since the average man can see better than he can think. How long a minute is depends upon which side of the bathroom door you are on. Diplomacy is the … Continue reading

Urban myths from Hell

from WIRED Magazine: The Ultimate Urban Myth: is a ten year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he dies, he would like to set the world record for recieving the most Neiman-Marcus Cookie recipes. You can help by sending an irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS demanding that they remove … Continue reading

Top Ten Signs You Bought The Wrong Computer

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube. The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers. The infra-red cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward. You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners. The … Continue reading

Parachute Paradigm

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM: You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway. Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before. Procrastinator: you play a game of … Continue reading