Redneck’s Guide to Computer Lingo

This here is the WV Redneck’s Guide to Computer Lingo LOG ON Making the woodstove hotter LOG OFF Don’t add no more wood MONITOR Keepin an eye on thet woodstove DOWNLOAD Gettin the farwood ofn the truk MEGAHERTZ When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded FLOPPY DISK Whatca git … Continue reading

Computer Jokes

Yet another collection of jokes. (Nothing to do with me.) What’s the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? The used-car salesman KNOWS when he’s lying. How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to do it and one to tell … Continue reading

Gen A Sys

In the beginning, there was chaos and the Universe was without form and void. The Lord looked upon His domain and decided to declare His presence. “I be” he said, then to correct his grammar added “am.” If the Lord had decided to work on irregular verb conjugation first, this … Continue reading

Shit Happens in Other Various Ways

Yuppie Shit It’s my shit! All mine! Isn’t it beautiful? An Employer Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only shit during coffee breaks. An Employee I’ve done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit’s not part of my contract. Environmentalism Shit is biodegradable. Political … Continue reading

Acronyms

ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can’t See It DOS Defective Operating System BASIC Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most … Continue reading

The Top 10 signs that Don Dare is going nuts

Schedules proctors for Econ/Bus. computer lab for 36 hours straight Recently decided to return back to his previous job as tenured student Started giving promotions on the basis of bribe money Now trying out “bondage & discipline” on the proctors Throws M-80s in Paul Wallace’s office Takes apart computers with … Continue reading

Top 10 Things To Do With Soldering Irons

Dental Work Attitude Adjustor Tool for working on a Computer Center computer Tool for working on a Computer Center worker Coffee Warmer Gettin’ our groove on, man! Tub Food Cooker Lobotomizer Rectal probe Lesbian tampon

bits and pieces

Years ago, I saw a show put on by Red Skelton, who asked: “Did you ever wonder where poeple in hell tell people to go?” And from way in the back of the auditorium, there came a shout: “Detroit!” The police recently busted a man selling tablets he said gave … Continue reading

Movie Depiction of Computers

Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don’t, have incredibly powerful … Continue reading

Story of The ultimate software

Finally there came a day that a software genius developed an all-purpose logic program which managed to incorporate all of the world’s knowledge in its extensive disk storage. After installing the software successfully in the fastest processor available, and using the processors’ voice capabilities, he asked the ultimate question: IS … Continue reading

Win95 versus Jesus

If you have half a brain, you can’t help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows 95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? Let’s compare Windows 95 against another Saviour, … Continue reading

How do you hunt elephants?

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. ECONOMISTS don’t hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. STATISTICIANS hunt … Continue reading

You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When…

You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency Act. You kiss your girlfriend’s home page. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. You refuse … Continue reading

this is kind of amusing

A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation: pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/status The computer responded: 212-53-6432 Cindy Smith cms@dragon.com!earth naughty pearly-gates:~/peter> Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that … Continue reading

The 10 DOS Commandments

The 10 DOS Commandments 1. I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom. 2. Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or … Continue reading

more better tech support

7. “What kind of hard disk do you have?” Well… It’s black with a little red light … (groan). 8. Most common support call. “I lost my CMOS setup. How many heads, cylinders, and sectors does a _______ drive have?”. 9. “I move the mouse in any direction and the … Continue reading

Simple Caveman Needum Printer Help

The following is said to have been posted on an Internet newsgroup: Me caveman, simple folk. Want hook-up two printer, two computer. OOG, let me scratch on cave wall: _________ _________ | P5-90 | LPT1 | P5-60 | | Win95 | | Win3.1| | | | | ——— —-|—- ? … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM 1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________ 2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________ __________________________________________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ … Continue reading

Clues for Individuals

Clues for Individuals ——————— The following 11 tips based on allegedly true stories reported from observers in the field. 1. If you’re bidding on a job for UPS, don’t send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, “Printer out of Paper,” this problem cannot be resolved by continuously … Continue reading

Microsoft

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. “Not you again,” I said. “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.” Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally … Continue reading

Laws Of The Internet

First Law: Netlag is the Lowest Common Denominator. Second Law: When you need to be Somewhere, You Can’t Get There. Third Law: The Sysop is Actually a Minion of Evil. Fourth Law: When Sysop is Unavailable, all usually goes Well. Fifth Law: You Will Never Have Enough Quota. Sixth Law: … Continue reading