Has Someone Said “You Don’t Know Jack Schitt….”?

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O.Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin … Continue reading

The Top 25 Rejected Children’s Books

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, and The Vice Squad Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle Clifford the Big Red Dog Is Put To Sleep Where in the New York … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

Benefits of turning 40

1. Color-coordinating walker 2. Won’t have to pretend to fit in with the thirty-something crowd 3. Nursing homes start to look appealing 4. You’re almost a grown-up 5. Future: Afgans and All My Children 6. Declare young children must respect their elders (in form of cash gifts on your birthday) … Continue reading

Internet Geek — Top 10

TOP 10 SIGNS YOU ARE AN INTERNET GEEK (10) When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address. (9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?” (8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends … Continue reading

classifieds

FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS 2 female Boston terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555- 1234. Leave mess. Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family. A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. Dinner Special–turkey $2.35; chicken or beef $2.25; children … Continue reading

Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms … Continue reading

Dear IRS; Take my Children, PLEASE!

This is a real letter by someone at Intel. The IRS sent me a letter last Friday. They audited my return and denied two of my dependent deductions! I thought you might like to read my response which, while more devastating than any militia plot, is a kinder and gentler … Continue reading

Quotes By Women

I feel convinced that a girl would never let herself be brought to the altar, no, she would probably refuse completely, if she knew *everything*… — Queen Victoria I married below my standards – all women do. — Nancy Astor You meet a lot of smart guys with stupid wives, … Continue reading

parenthood

When my parents come to visit, as in these holidays, I get flashbacks of childhood. Like when I was a kid, my mother had pat answers and special quips she dished out over and over. One of my least favorites was “Because I said no.” I remember thinking what an … Continue reading

Jesus Joke (clean)

The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease. St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions. Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue. “Pete, take a … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Republicans v. Democrats

And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays…… Republican say “Merry Christmas!” Democrats say “Happy Holidays!” Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by … Continue reading

Military Acronyms

NAVY = Never Again Volunteer Yourself ARMY = Another Retarded Misguided Youth MARINE = My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment or MARINE = Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Expected. USMC = Uncle Sam's Misguided Children

Things That Piss Me Off

“Put stamp here” instructions on envelopes When you can see a ventriloquist’s lips moving Co-workers who jam the copier. then flee the scene of the crime Fans who do “the wave” too many times Running to answer a phone that’s ringing on TV Having to make idle conversation with your … Continue reading

deep thoughts

Deeper Thoughts by Jack Handy Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words– “mank” and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind. –@– Children need encouragement. If … Continue reading

Actual Signs Seen Across the USA

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning … Continue reading

Business Joke

TEST YOUR BUSINESS SENSE – thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have paid you nearly $2 billion for it, … Continue reading

Intresting News Stories from around the World.

Compiled by Ivan Weiss. From The Seattle Times, Saturday, October 14, 1995. A small group of policemen are trying to change a negative image of Bangkok law enforcement and ease driver tensions by dancing as they direct traffic. Twelve Ventura, Calif., cheerleaders crammed into a Voltswagen Bug during a contest. … Continue reading

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal (part 1 of 2)

Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software) Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it’s only a small step to the rest! For example: 1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. … Continue reading

Christmas Shopping: A Survivor’s Guide

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it “Christmas” and went to church; the … Continue reading

Star Trek Top Ten April Fool’s Jokes on the Enterprise

Everybody act like Riker is the captain Pretend you’ve been taken over by an alien being Program the replicator in Troi’s room so that it won’t make chocolate Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him Put a small speaker … Continue reading