Laws of Nature (1 of 2)

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason. Interchangeable parts won’t. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. You never find a lost article until you replace it. You get the most of what you need the least. Ralph’s Observation It is a mistake to allow any … Continue reading

Has Someone Said “You Don’t Know Jack Schitt….”?

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O.Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin … Continue reading

Top 10 Thoughts Put Forth By George Carlin

“Live and let live, that’s my motto. Anyone who doesn’t like it, take him out and shoot the motherf*cker.” “…And once you think you’ve gotten in a good lane on the road, you get behind the worst car of all…a Volvo station wagon…diesel. Here’s a safety freak who’s going to … Continue reading

labels

>From “American Demographics” magazine: Here’s a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages: When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.” Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

honorable mentions

These are the Honorable mentions … the reason expensive delicacies usually “taste like chicken” is that they really ARE chicken. Frog legs, rattlesnake, sweetbreads, etc. are actually totally inedible and fancy resturants have been fleecing us for decades. Last Halloween, some kid was out trick-or-treating in a ghoul costume with … Continue reading

chicken physics

How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac? A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I decided to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity. I. It … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Why the chicken crossed the road

==================================== WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom … Continue reading

Fast Chicken

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror, he noticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing fast. His curiousity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better … Continue reading