New PBS Schedule

Here’s a future PBS schedule if public broadcasting leaders cave in to Republican pressure by Mark Harmon, Associate Professor at Texas Tech. 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of “Atlas Shrugged.” 9:00 am Mr. Rogers’ Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings “Elitism is neat.” The House … Continue reading

Top 10 Things Professors Say (and what they really mean!)

What the Progessor Says What they mean 10% of your grade is based on class participation. You are putty in my hands. The tests are all true & false and multiple choice. Questions are straight from the study guide and grad students grade everything. Do not come to class in … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

2000.9999 a Pentium Odd-Essay

Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL… Open the pod bay door, please, Hal… Hal, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. I know that you and Frank were planning to disconnect … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

A Comparison of Computers and Women

A comparison of computers and women Computer Woman ———————————————————————— doesn’t talk (much)(yet) talks constantly does what you tell it often asks “why” or says “no” does EXACTLY what you tell it often intelligent metallic taste or no taste yummy pussy hard metal case soft skin disk drives stay the same … Continue reading

The Great Budget Debate

The country was in a terrible state, when field arose in the budget debate. it was quite a few minutes before he spoke, and he said sex will cost two dollars a poke. when he assured, long, thin or thick, tax will be paid on the size of your dick. … Continue reading

Top 10 Ways You Know Newt Gingrich Has Taken Control of the Info Highway

(taken from NewMedia magazine; Feb. 1995) 10) You wake up one morning and find your screensaver has been taken over by a Max Headroom version of Rush Limbaugh. 9) Special at CompUSA: a free assault weapon autographed by Newt with every purchase of a quad-speed CD-ROM upgrade kit. 8) New … Continue reading

Why Mozart lost the job

Why Mozart Lost the Job Dear Dean X: I write in response to your suggestion of an appointment to our faculty for a Mr. W. A. Mozart, currently of Vienna, Austria. While the Music Department appreciates your interest, faculty are sensitive about their prerogatives in the selection of new colleagues. … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading