50 Fun Things Todo In A Final Exam (That Does Not Matter)

(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam) Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

What Professors Really Mean

If you get the feeling that professors live in a world of their own, you’re right. They even have a language all their own When professors say this They really mean this This needs some minor revision. I never actually got around to reading this. My office hours are by … Continue reading

Top 10 Predictions for the Pittsburgh Pirates during 1998

Tony Womack will steal 80 bases and put Delano DeShields and Deion Whats-his-name to shame Lloyd McClendon will get pissed if nobody gets a hit, so he’ll hit for himself Out of the blue, Al Martin will be the one to beat Maris’ home run record Cordova will win 20 … Continue reading

Cool Things Todo In A College Dorm Shower Stall

Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, “I didn’t know I had one of THOSE!” Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed … Continue reading

Instructions for DC tourists

Advice for tourists in DC: *Don’t miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame *Find and use the dining car on the Metro *If the cab doesn’t have a meter, you ride for free *Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall … Continue reading

Things not to say or do at your thesis defense (part 4 of 6)

148 THINGS (NOT) TO DO OR SAY AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE Written by Master Peter Dutton contributions by Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen, Patricia Whitson and a few others. 76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey. 77) Use a Greek Chorus … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Budweiser Method

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

Homer’s Beer Song

DO RE MI DRINK DOUGH… the stuff that buys me beer RAY….. the guy that sells me beer ME…… the one who drinks the beer FAR….. a long run to get beer SO…… I’ll have another beer LA…… I’ll have another beer TEA….. no thanks, I’m drinking beer And that … Continue reading

cakes and ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued: Proctor: I beg your pardon? Student: Sir, I request that … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading

T.H.E.Y.

Who is “they” anyway? “They,” of course, are a little-known Federal agency supported by YOUR tax dollars. Cloaked in more secrecy than the NSA, “they” are located in the dungeon of another Federal building at the corner of 7th St. and Independence Ave. NW. “Their” annual operating budget is well … Continue reading