The Top 25 Rejected Children’s Books

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, and The Vice Squad Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle Clifford the Big Red Dog Is Put To Sleep Where in the New York … Continue reading

Top 10 People I Can Do Without On This Campus

Foot draggers (see West Hall) Anyone who calls the Help Desk with a simple problem and gives the entire 30 minute unabridged version of how it happened and all the circumstances surrounding it and what they were wearing at the time, etc. Guys who wear their girlfriends’ sorority letters The … Continue reading

You Know You’re a Grad Student When…

You just might be a grad student if: you can identify universities by their internet domains. you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes. you understand jokes about Foucoult. the concept of free time scares you. you consider caffeine to … Continue reading

Radically New Learning Tool

A new aid to rapid–almost magical–learning has made its appearance. Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so much junk. The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers generally call it by its initials, BOOK. Many advantages are claimed over … Continue reading

A little humor…

THE FACTS OF LIFE: The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can’t buy happiness…But it sure makes misery easier to live with.. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before. Psychiatrists … Continue reading

Lt. Blandford

Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New York’s Grand Central Station. The tall young Army officer lifted his sunburned face and narrowed his eyes to note the exact time. His heart was pounding with a beat that choked him. In six minutes he would … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Inverterate Smilers Need a Dose of Reality

One of my fondest curbstone theories has recently been confirmed by genuine scientific research. It has to do with why some people are chronically grouchy and depressed while others are always bubbling with enthusiasm and looking at the bright side of life. A psychologist took a close look at students … Continue reading

College Vocabulary

Word Descrption ABSENT: (n) The notation generally following your name in a class record. ADMISSIONS OFFICE: (n) Where they take you to get you to admit you’ve mooned the keynote speaker during “new student weekend.” ANATOMY: (n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until you find out what … Continue reading

Beavis and Butthead Pickup Lines

Uh, hey baby. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said “come.” You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let’s like get into each other’s life or whatever. Uh, like let’s drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, … Continue reading

Miscellaneous Quotes

She claimed that all the famous sights of Rome were named after London movie theaters. — Nancy Mitford In my opinion there is only one good rule of living: Refuse to admit the facts. — Ruth Gordon It is better to get too little of what is necessary, than never … Continue reading

Urban Legends

The Washington Post had a contest for it’s readers to come up with new Urban Legends (Typical current urban legends would be: There are many aligators living in the sewers of New York City as a result of tourists bringing back pets from Florida that later too large and are … Continue reading

Above the Law?

I just came across this excerpt from a book called “The Hazards of Life and all That,” by J. Bond. It’s a summary of a rather odd legal case, that I thought you’d get a kick out of: “10th century Cheshire. Severe drought in the area inspires Lady Trawst to … Continue reading

short books

Very Short Books 1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit – A Travel Guide 7) Different Ways to Spell … Continue reading

Catholic School Maths

A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his mathematics. His parents worked with him night after night but there was no improvement. His math marks were dismal. His parents in desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school. They decided to … Continue reading

Humorously Translated Signs From Around The World

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden … Continue reading

Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. My work has a lot of practical importance. I would never date an undergraduate. Your latest article was so inspiring. I turned down a lot … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

Life’s more Fleeting Moments

The interval between the gas and electricity bills (accounts) arriving The period between homework and bedtime The difference between catching a train and missing it The time between ordering your drink and the play starting again The duration of the snooze facility on your radio alarm The time in which … Continue reading

Letterman top ten

Letterman’s: TOP TEN WAYS TO GET DUMB GUYS TO VOTE FOR YOU 10) Promise to replace presidential limo with monster truck. 9) Pass out campaign buttons and say “Look, free shiny things!” 8) Promise that if you win, you’ll help them get the mouse traps off their feet. 7) In … Continue reading

33 greatest lies in aviation

The 33 Greatest Lies in Aviation 1. I’m from the FAA and I’m here to help you. 2. Me? I’ve never busted minimums. 3. We will be on time, maybe even early. 4. Pardon me, ma’am, I seem to have lost my jet keys. 5. I have no interest in … Continue reading

Frogs

A chicken goes into a library and takes out a book. The librarian thinks this is a bit strange, but lets it go out. In ten minutes, it brings the book back and gets out two more. Again the librarian lets it. In another ten minutes, it returns and takes … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex!

You can usually find someone to do it with. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading