Bird – ASCII Art

..-==””””==__ / Spread your tiny wings and fly away ___/ <0) And take the snow back with you _=”___ | Where it came from on that day =__ / | The one I love forever’s been untrue ~~_ /___ And if I could you know that I would “/ ,.=”~~~”==_””=__ … Continue reading

Dictonary of Gardening

Or the real truth about that funny place round the back. Aaaa Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener’s trouser leg. Annual Any plant that dies before blooming. Aphid Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet … Continue reading

Scientist and the Minah Birds

A scientist at the University of Memphis has discovered part of the secret of eternal life — by use of a special, rather exotic, diet, he has succeeded in prolonging indefinitely the life-span of a group of porpoises. Part of this diet includes the meat of Minah birds, a tropical … Continue reading

Heroic Failures

THE WORST HOMING PIGEON This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE During the firemen’s strike of 1978, the British … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Twelve days of Christmas

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS December 14th Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes December 15th Dearest John, Today the postman … Continue reading

Eco humour

A man was arrested for having shot and killed a bald eagle, then eating it. Upon his conviction for the offense, the judge asked him, “Have you anything to say before I sentence you? You’ve killed an endangered species and ‘eaten’ it! You destroyed our national symbol! Why shouldn’t I … Continue reading

offensive parrot

So there’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. … Continue reading

Sweeping (Pun)

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor’s lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, “Take this broom and sweep every link … Continue reading

Henhouse Humor

An old farmer decides it’s time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster is still doing an okay job, but he’s getting on in years. And the farmer figures getting a new rooster can’t hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster … Continue reading

Fast Chicken

A man was driving around the countryside in his new sports car, moving at speeds that bordered on unsafe. When checking his rear-view mirror, he noticed that a small object, followed by a trail of dust, was closing fast. His curiousity piqued, he slowed a bit to get a better … Continue reading

Sesame Street Gone Mad

IMPORTANT BREAKING SESAME STREET NEWS! AP Online AP 11/17 2:55 EDT V055 Copyright 1994. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) — Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Seseme Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the … Continue reading