Bill And The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he … Continue reading

Electricity

As you probably know, electricity is the thing that happens when two clouds rub together. Lightning is produced, and in no time at all lightening conductors are sent by the Electricity Board to direct it to near-by pylons, enormous electrical lamposts found mainly in the countryside. Nowadays we think nothing … Continue reading

Microsoft Song

(Sung to the tune of ‘Money For Nothing’ By Dire Straits.) I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), I don’t want, I don’t want, Don’t want Mi-cro-soft C(Tm), Now look at that yoyos, That’s the way you do it, Errors for nothing, And your bugs for free. … Continue reading

Top 10 Classes That Nobody Wants To Take

CS666-COBOL for everything SCI101-Technology; taught by Bryan Rennie POL325-Close-Up of Phil Gramm MTH560-Differential Equations for Masochists PSY431-Dissecting Your Own Brain CLC200-Sociology/Broadcasting Cluster: Talk Shows LNG281-Advanced Urdu LIT103-Rants by Bill McTaggart REL601-Senior Study: Pagan Worship PE240B-Swimming in Brittain Lake

Top 10 People We Want As The New CS Professor

Jordan Hubbard (This is a Berkeley-style school) Richard Stallman (Why not?) Jim Gosling (if we’re gonna learn Java, we might as well hear it from the man himself) Brian Kernighan (C. Nuff Said.) Bill Joy (Sun. Nuff Said.) Larry Wall (Perl. Ditto.) Rob Pike (See his quote on my quotepage.) … Continue reading

The Top 10 signs that Don Dare is going nuts

Schedules proctors for Econ/Bus. computer lab for 36 hours straight Recently decided to return back to his previous job as tenured student Started giving promotions on the basis of bribe money Now trying out “bondage & discipline” on the proctors Throws M-80s in Paul Wallace’s office Takes apart computers with … Continue reading

Top 10 (so to speak) Oval Office Sexual Positions

Bill at desk, Monica underneath with knee-pads Bill on red telephone, Kenneth Starr in Grand Jury Bill on couch, Secret Service stacked up outside Bill on floor, Linda with strap-on…microphone Bill at desk, Jerry Springer on TV Bill at desk, Buddy the dog….ooh, let’s not go there Bill at desk … Continue reading

Top 10 Signs The Apocalypse Is Upon Us

The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowel in their first year of re-existance. Dennis Ritchie accepts an offer to teach at WC Clinton gets locked in the Lincoln Bedroom with his wife for three weeks W3C changes the HTTP specification to use troff Congress finds a House Speaker that doesn’t … Continue reading

The Top 10 reasons why Micro$oft sucks

The last spell checker that came in Word 97 was in Swahili Paul Allen’s face is the permanent wallpaper in Windows One word: ActiveX They’re not bugs, they’re not features, they’re SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS! Windows saying “this program has performed an illegal operation and will shut down” is as helpful as … Continue reading

Top 10 Bombshells in THE STARR REPORT

In 1986, Al Gore was replaced with an android Monica’s pet name for Clinton’s penis is “Skin Force One” Donna Shalala is actually a bastard daughter of Marge Schott Hillary and Janet Reno are lovers Hidden cameras were planted throughout the Oval Orifice Office by Jerry Springer Monica Lewinsky is … Continue reading

Offensive Jokes

Why are chickens so ugly? You would be too if you have a pecker hanging out of your forehead. Where do you get virgin wool? From ugly sheep. What’s green and smells like pork? Kermit’s middle finger. What’s the brown stuff between elephant’s toes? Slow natives. What do you get … Continue reading

How to Handle Stress PG

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa. 3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. 4. When someone says “have a nice day” tell them you have other plans. 5. Find out what a … Continue reading

Heaven or Hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every … Continue reading

Chivalry Is Not Dead; The Sexist Pigs’ Guide To Chivalry In The 90s

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of strong, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and a hangable offense, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for. Each man must devise his … Continue reading

Quotations

“I was not lying. I said things that later seemed to be untrue.” – Richard M. Nixon “I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.” – Grouch Marx “Why hate yourself in the Morning … Continue reading

Top 10 Good Things About the Federal Government Shutting Down

Good time for Ted Kennedy to return his empties Janet Reno goes back to wrestling alligators for a living If millions of government workers stay home, maybe two or three will watch CBS President Clinton can use the time off to pack Much needed rest for Capitol Hill hookers Hillary … Continue reading

Carter better than Clinton-Part 2 of 2

100 Reasons Why Jimmy Carter Was a Better President Than Bill Clinton by P.J. O’Rourke The American Spectator September 1993 *Carter was a good man to have on board when your canoe was attacked by a swimming rabbit. *Carter hardly ever hugged or kissed anyone in public except Leonid Brezhnev. … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treat Is Better Than Sex

Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you candy The person you are with doesn’t fantasize … Continue reading

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions

“Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono” “I’m sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they’re Bill Wyman’s date” “Jerry Garcia couldn’t make it tonight — here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street” “Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono … Continue reading

politics

>From Contemporary Comedy – – —– This is the third anniversary of Bill Clinton’s election, and you know, looking back, I think the country was better off when Hillary was President. If you put Ross Perot’s ears and Bill Clinton’s nose and put it on Phil Gramm’s face, you’d have–Mr. … Continue reading

Bill Gates – Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone’s surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven’s reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and … Continue reading

Future Career

An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and … Continue reading

Life Quotes 101

To conquer the enemy without resorting to war is the most desirable. The highest form of generalship is to conquer the enemy by strategy. -Ancient Chinese Warlord To me old age is 15 years older than I am. -Bernard Baruch Everything considered, work is less boring than amusing oneself. -Charles … Continue reading

May be offensive to Clinton supporters

BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS Dear Friend and Fellow Voter: We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for the purpose of placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington, D.C. This committee was in a … Continue reading