You know you’re too stressed if…

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOO STRESSED IF… Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest. You can achieve a “Runners High” by sitting up. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. … Continue reading

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

History Of Santa Claus: The Untold Story

Year 1689 Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp. 1691 Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus’ crew abandons him. 1692 Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items with him from the North Pole. … Continue reading

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.

Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers. 1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven’t had any caffine in about 6 hours. 2. You start listening to music and see it properly indented in your head. 3. You think the cleaning lady is sining in tune. … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after … Continue reading

A T-shirt for women

Seen on a T-shirt worn by a woman: MENtal Anxiety, MENtal Breakdown, MENstrual Cramps, MENopause … Did you ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN?

Lawyer: Too Young To Die

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m … Continue reading

Government Contracting Definitions

CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins. BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places. LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid. … Continue reading

Academic talk (offensive to professors)

What the professor means By J. Timothy Petersik from the Chronicle of Higher Education Says: You’ll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. Means: I used it as a grad student. Says: If you follow these few simple rules, you’ll do fine in the course. Means: If … Continue reading

50 Fun Things Todo in a Final That Doesn’t Matter

You are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam, so: Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes … Continue reading