Dictonary of Gardening

Or the real truth about that funny place round the back. Aaaa Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener’s trouser leg. Annual Any plant that dies before blooming. Aphid Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet … Continue reading

200 Monkeys

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have … Continue reading

The Fireman, The Physicist, and The Mathematician

Three men are sharing a hotel room – a fireman, a physicist, and a mathematician. In the middle of the night, the fireman gets up to go to the bathroom down the hall, and discovers that there is a fire in a trashcan in the hallway. Immediately, he runs back … Continue reading

The Golfer and The Frog!

A sunday golfer was playing the game. As he prepared to hit to the 10th green he took out his 8-iron. He set himself and got ready to swing. Just before he started his swing a voice said, “Take the 7.” He looked around, saw nobody, and set himself to … Continue reading

fishing trip

It seems tht a trio of buddies drove several hundred miles to their favorite fishing spot. The driver said, “Boy, am I beat!” and fell asleep immediately. The others played a joke on him: they reset his alarm clock and watch from 10 P.M. to 4:55 A.M., got undressd and … Continue reading

More Stupid American Laws

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America. Hope you enjoy them and remember, Law Enforcement is no joke! Alabama It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. California Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to … Continue reading

How The Angel Got To Be On Top Of The Christmas Tree

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa… It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that he could permit himself time to rest. … Continue reading

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave “Slim Jim” wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. Get some hair. Disperse … Continue reading

Lucky Charms

Don’t cheat! Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below: Pink hearts Yellow moons Orange stars Green clovers Blue diamonds Purple horseshoes Those icky oat bits Okay. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don’t change it! … Continue reading

Teddy Bears are Better Than Men Because…

Teddy Bears are happy to snuggle all night long. Teddy Bears rarely have prickly whiskers. Teddy Bears always keep your secrets. You can always buy a bigger teddy bear. Teddy Bears never bore you to death with details of the games. Teddy Bears can hug for long periods of time. … Continue reading

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You

Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey’s 900 number on your bill. He actually *does* have your tongue. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. You wake up to find … Continue reading

32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough Is Better Than Men

It’s enjoyable hard or soft. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better. It doesn’t mind if you take your anger out on it. You always want to swallow. It won’t complain if you share it with friends. It’s “quick and convenient”. You can enjoy it more than once. … Continue reading

100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Use CB lingo where applicable. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this … Continue reading

parenthood

When my parents come to visit, as in these holidays, I get flashbacks of childhood. Like when I was a kid, my mother had pat answers and special quips she dished out over and over. One of my least favorites was “Because I said no.” I remember thinking what an … Continue reading

Loony Sex Laws that You Never Knew You Were Breaking

Excerpts from Robert Wayne Pelton’s Loony Sex Laws that You Never Knew You Were Breaking (Walker and Company): In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it’s illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. It’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for … Continue reading

Does Your Dog/Cat Own You?

These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington animal-adoption group. DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? – See how many yes answers apply to you. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of … Continue reading

Jobs and lovemaking

Three married women were sitting around talking, and the subject of making love came up. The first woman said, “Well, I’m married to a psychologist, so whenever we make love, he always brings me home flowers and chocolates first, and it just puts me right in the mood, and we … Continue reading

The latest Darwin Awards

Darwin Awards These are nearly always granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. —————————————————————- [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to … Continue reading

top 10 signs that your relationship might be in danger

Top Ten Reasons Your Relationship May Be in Danger 10. Your boyfriend wants to nail your sister. 9. Your lesbian girlfriend tells you she’s having Elvis Presley’s love child. 8. One word: Cannibalism. 7. You live in the Midwest, he lives in a world of his own. 6. You wonder … Continue reading

How to Score Points with a Women

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take world of relationships? Here’s your score card from the Men’s Journal of Health. In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & … Continue reading

Real Programmers

Don’t eat quiche. Real programmers don’t even know how to spell Quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food. Don’t write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can’t do system programming. Don’t write specs. Users should be grateful for … Continue reading

Red Riding Hood

by Jim Garner copied by Andy Tiarks April 24, 1993 originally appeared in “Comic Relief” April, 1993 There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of … Continue reading