The Top 10 Bumper Stickers

“Horn broken…watch for finger” “Your kid may be an honor student…but YOU’RE still an idiot!” “We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.” “Be nice to your kids…they’ll choose your nursing home” “Bad cop! No donut!” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of … Continue reading

UNIX Commands

% cat “food in cans” cat: can’t open food in cans % nice man woman No manual entry for woman. % rm God rm: God nonexistent % ar t God ar: God does not exist % ar r God ar: creating God % “How would you rate Quayle’s incompetence? Unmatched … Continue reading

Techincal Support

The following are a few true excerpts of real technical support inquiries logged over the years. These are not made-up jokes, but actual situations! Read ’em and see what real support should be! The Squeaky Mouse Caller: I would like to speak to someone about a major problem we’re having … Continue reading

University Course Evaluation Comments

A friend of mine goes to Brown University. They have a publication there called “The Critical Review.” A section has student comments on a class. Here are some of the more humorous:   Insights from Student Surveys: “He spoke, I had no clue, it was as mutal relationship.” “The book was written … Continue reading

Rabbi Playing Golf

The great Rabbi of a big city is a golf addict. He likes nothing like playing golf on a warm sunny afternoon. Unfortunately, on shabbat, he has to refrain himself. This is a big dilemma for his soul; the temptation to play golf, and the consciousness of doing wrong if … Continue reading

RULES for DEPRESSION

1. Try to be PERFECT. 2. Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make. 3. Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do. 4. Always do what you are supposed to be doing. 5. Make other persons happy at any … Continue reading

Simple Caveman Needum Printer Help

The following is said to have been posted on an Internet newsgroup: Me caveman, simple folk. Want hook-up two printer, two computer. OOG, let me scratch on cave wall: _________ _________ | P5-90 | LPT1 | P5-60 | | Win95 | | Win3.1| | | | | ——— —-|—- ? … Continue reading

Friendship, Inc.

Welcome to Managed Caring(tm), a whole new way of thinking about friendship. The Managed Caring Plan(tm) combines all the advantages of a “traditional” friendship network with important cost-saving features. HOW DOES IT WORK ? Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers. All … Continue reading

A Woman’s 50 Rules for Men

A WOMAN’S 50 RULES FOR MEN 1. Call. 2. Don’t lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys’ night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys’ night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. … Continue reading

Smurf Sex

A Joke not suitable for readers under the age of 18.

It’s time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. “But,” people ask, “do Smurfs have….. you know,…… sex?” The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And … Continue reading

things

Bumper Stickers Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy. We’re staying together for the sake of the cats. It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now. My karma ran over your dogma. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an … Continue reading

Good Explanation

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news“, God said. Adam looked at God and said, “Well, give me the good news first“. Smiling, God explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. … Continue reading

Engineer Identification Test

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word “engineer” is greatly overused. If there’s somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him/her this test to discern the truth.   ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a … Continue reading

more on interviews

A number of unusual statements made by candidates during the interview process: “I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.” “At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.” “I feel uneasy indoors.” “Sometimes I feel like smashing things.” “Women should not be … Continue reading

Does Your Dog/Cat Own You?

These were taken from the newsletter of the Vashon Island, Washington animal-adoption group. DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? – See how many yes answers apply to you. Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of … Continue reading

Top 25 Reasons that Hockey is Better than Sex

It’s ok to bleed during play. If it’s a bad game, you can call a time out. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment. You can still play when you get married. You can change on … Continue reading

self improvement courses

SELF-IMPROVEMENT COURSES FOR WINTER – – —————————————- SELF-IMPROVEMENT RI 500 Creative suffering RI 501 Overcoming Peace of Mind RI 502 You and Your Birthmarks RI 503 Guilt Without Sex RI 504 The Primal Shrug RI 505 Ego Gratification Through Violence RI 506 Moulding your Child’s Behavior Through Guilt and Fear … Continue reading

34 Things I learned from Video Games

34 things I learned from video games: 1. There is no problem that cannot be overcome by violence. 2. You can overcome most adversaries simply by having enough quarters. 3. If it moves, KILL IT! 4. Piloting any vehicle is simple and requires no training. 5. One lone “good guy” … Continue reading

Unix error messages (brian, you’ll like this)

These are actual error messages you can receive when typing in the following messages at a UNIX command prompt. % rm meese-ethics rm: meese-ethics nonexistent % ar m God ar: God does not exist % “How would you rate Reagan’s incompetence? Unmatched “. % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Missing ]. … Continue reading

The Top 17 Signs You’re at a Bad Renaissance Festival

The castle and village are made entirely of Legos. Turkey leg bears striking resemblance to Cocker Spaniel leg. Festival activities include “Ye Olde Wet T-Shirt Contest.” Eight minute drum solo in the middle of “Greensleeves.” “Belly up to the bar, me lad, for some grilled mahi-mahi and fresh California Roll!” … Continue reading

bad

What do you get when you play a country & western song backwards? You get your job back, your wife back, etc….. A man goes to the doctor because he’s not feeling very good. The doc takes a bunch of tests and sends him home. A couple of days later … Continue reading

10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move

Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their doorstep claiming that you don’t have a phone. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, “I have your life in my hands, bow down to me!”. Then point at each one … Continue reading

Your Guide To Modern Creative Artistic Types

creative artistic type dominant personality trait secondary personality traits distinguishing features haunting question how to annoy them Writer Self-Absorption Pomposity Irritability Whining Nervous twitching Bad Posture “Am I just a hack?” Say:”But how do you make a living?” Painter Self-Obsession Delusions of Grandeur Spattered pants “Should I move to New … Continue reading