A STUDENTS’ HISTORY OF THE WORLD as collected by Richard Lederer
(One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history professor is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or
report. Here is the history of the world, pasted together from genuine
student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the US.)
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah
is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible,”Guinessis,” Adam and Eve were created from an apple. A snake was
present at the time.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon,
one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn’t have history. They invented three kinds of columns–corinthian,
ironic and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived then with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful
women and Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the
blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta
provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times peorle were anliterate. The greatest writer was
Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and literature. During this
time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other
mythical creatures. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised thg world with a 100-foot clipper.
Shakespeare was the greatest writer. In one of his plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Then came the Enlightenment. Voltaire invenved electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many mwsical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which
Bach kept in the attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth centure was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by
machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers.
Then came the First World War, which ushered in a new error in the
anals of human history.