Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners

Steven Wright:

  • When I was growing up, my parents had a quick-sandbox. I was an only child… eventually.
  • I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
  • I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
  • I used to have a dog. I named him Stay. When he was little, I used to confuse him. “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.” Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
  • I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
  • I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
  • I play the harmonica. the only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with stobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.
  • I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. the harmonica sounds *AMAZING*.
  • I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me “If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”
  • My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don’t really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 mph.
  • Once I took a pair of contact lenses and painted little cats on them. I put them on my dog and he went crazy. Then I took one out and he ran in circles….
  • Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”
  • My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said “the whole time”.
  • If you were driving at the speed of light and put your headlights on, would they do anything?
  • I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep” I said “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
  • “There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.”
  • I like to stand in the shower with the plug in and pretend I’m in a sinking submarine.
  • -What’s the soup du jour? I don’t know, but they have it everyday!
  • I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You’d think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you see the stop sign.” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
  • The other day I heard that sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the water’d be if they didn’t?
  • I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me — and I didn’t hear it.
  • They say we’re 98% water. We’re that close to drowning… (picks up his glass of water from the stool) …I like to live on the edge…
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