Star Wars Episode VII – The Post Death Star Party on Endor

A synopsis of what happens after the end of the Return of the Jedi at the 100 keg party on Endor.

Luke Skywalker: Drinks 3 beers. Becomes hit of the party by changing keg taps using the force. Later accidentally cuts off other hand during a light saber trick. Drinks 2 more beers and passes out.
Quote of the Night: “Man, I’ll feel that in the morning.”
Nickname: Lightweight Luke.

Han Solo: Disdains the keg but downs 3 bottles of Mad Dog and a fifth of J.B. Then shoots 2 ewoks for urinating on the Millenium Falcon. Next morning, he finds out he had sex with the Ewok chieftan’s wife, thinking she was Princess Leia.
Quote of the Night: “Get the hell away from that landing cycle!”
Nickname: Horny Han.

Princess Leia Organa: Being one of the very few females at the party, attracts much attention. Drinks way too much and hooks up with 15 men from 6 different alien races. Throws up during a strip tease and passes out before midnight.
Quote of the Night: “Hey, one at a time!”
Nickname: Leia Lush or Leia lot (thanks to jen timko!)

Chewbacca: Drinks 12 kegs before 11:00. Later, gets the beer munchies and having devoured all the Doritos, eats Wicket W. Warrick. Subsequently belches and destroys a third of the Ewok village.
Quote of the Night: “BURP!!”
Nickname: Stainmaster from Hell.

C3-PO and R2-D2: Caught in a homosexual encounter in the smuggling compartments of the Millenium Falcon whil Admiral Akbar was looking for the bathroom.
Quote of the Night: C3-PO: “I can’t find the words in my 6 million forms of communication to express my feelings, R2. Let’s get that restraining bolt off.”
R2-D2: “BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!”

Lando Calrissian: Gets drunk off Colt 45. Thrown out of the Ewok village after allegedly selling cocaine to Wicket’s friends and sexually harassing Pricess Leia, claiming the charges were racially motivated.
Quote of the Night: “Yeah I came on to her! But if you throw me out for that, you’ll have to throw everyone out!”
Nickname: Coke Calrissian

Wedge Antilles: Killed in a drunk driving accident in his X-wing fighter. Apparently the Rebel Command Cruiser just jumped right out in front of him. Remaining tissue samples showed his B.A.C. to be .43%.
Quote of the Night (and last words): “Look at the size of that thing!”
Nickname: What an asshole.

That annoying guy that sat next to Lando on the Falcon: Apparently spoke clear, legible English while drunk. Thrown out with Lando for drooling.
Quote of the Night: “I’m actually a woman.”
Nickname: Slobber

Wicket W. Warrick: See Chewbacca.
Quote of the Night: “NO! I’ve never been with a woman before! HELP!!”
Nickname: Lunch

Admiral Akbar: Demonstrated innate funneling ability. Also introduced the Ewok tribe to LSD. After his discovery of C3-PO and R2-D2 (who he actually thought were King Arthur and a large toaster overn in his state of being), he and three tripping Ewoks had to be sedated after being attacked by invinsible trolls.
Quote of the Night: “Fire all weapon systems. I always wanted to say that.”
Nickname: Weirdo

General Naddean: Shot self in leg after having a flashback to his days in ‘Nam.
Quote of the Night: “They’re everywhere, damnit!! They’re everywhere!”
Nickname: Psycho

Jabba the Hut: Apparently, traces of him were found in the Pizza Hut pizza they ordered at midnight.
Quote of the Night: not applicable
Nickname: Pizza Supreme

Despite all the casualities and negative reputation this celebration gave the alliance, most people who attended said, “It was one helluva party!”

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