Standardized Bonehead Reply Form (Flaming)

(original by David Parsons)

I took exception to your recent post to (newsgroup) email.

It was (check all that apply):

  • lame.
  • stupid.
  • much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.

Your attention is drawn to the fact that:

  • what you posted/said has been done before. (Mark only if above checked)
  • Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
  • your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of (net.personality).
  • your post/mail originated on Fidonet.
  • your post/mail originated on Delphi.
  • your post/mail originated on AOL.
  • your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, or Notesfile.
  • your post contained commercial advertising. THE FINE FOR THIS IS $20.
    Please remit immediately to:
    Usenet News,
    Network Security & Standards Patrol
    [Insert your address here]

    or your posting privileges will be cancelled.
  • your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors.
  • your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors.
  • YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!!
  • you posted a “newgroup” message without Leader Kibo’s permission.
  • you posted a “rmgroup” message without Bruce Becker’s permission.
  • your post/letter was an obvious forgery. (Mark only if above checked)
  • It was done clumsily.
  • you have a lame login name.
  • your machine has a stupid name.
  • you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text.
  • you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added lines of text.
  • you quoted an article in followup and only added the line “Me, too!”
  • you predicted the “Imminent Death of the Net[tm]”.
  • you asked for replies via email because you “don’t read this group.”
  • you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you. (In many of your prior articles)
  • you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
  • your lines are 80 columns wide or wider. (In many of your prior articles)
  • you failed to check the “Followups-To:” line.
  • your .sig is longer than four lines. (Mark only if above checked)
  • And your newsreader truncated it.
  • your .sig is ridiculous because (check all that apply):
    • you listed snail mail address(es). (Mark only if above checked)
    • you listed a nine-digit ZIP code.
    • you listed phone numbers for people to use in prank calls.
    • you included a stupid disclaimer. (Mark only if above also)
  • your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed. (Mark only if above also)
    • Miserably.
  • you included: (Mark all that apply)
    • a stupid self-quote.
    • a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
    • a Rush Limbaugh quote.
    • a Dan Quayle joke.
    • a reference to Beavis & Butthead.
  • lame ASCII graphic(s) (Choose all that apply):
    • USS Enterprise
    • Australia
    • The Amiga logo
    • Company logo (Mark only if above also)
      • and you stated that you don’t speak for your employer.
    • Bicycle
    • Bart Simpson

Furthermore:

  • You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of (newsgroup).
  • You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
  • You are a loser.
  • You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this clueless.
  • *plonk*
  • This has been pointed out to you before.
  • It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply)
    • stick to Fidonet/Delphi/AOL and come back when you’ve grown up.
    • find a volcano and throw yourself in.
    • get a gun and shoot yourself.
    • stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
    • stop sending email and get a life.
    • consume excrement.
    • consume excrement and thus expire.

Additional comments:
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