Smurf; Biological Reproduction and Cultural Development

One of the great mysteries that has puzzled men and women of the current 15-25 year-old generation is the riddle of the smurfs. Where exactly did they come from? How on earth do they reproduce? Where did Papa Smurf come from? Is smucking a real smurf cultural event? Here, after several exhaustive minutes of study, is the most comprehensive theory known to me, the author.

First, smurfs are asexual, that is, in a natural state there is no gender. Smurf reproduction is via budding, and the “reproductive organ” is nothing less than their stumpy blue tails. Under the proper circumstances (to be discussed later) a mature smurf’s tail will fall off and be placed in a safe area, where it will undergo cell division and eventually develop into a full-grown smurf.

Second, Smurfette is an artificial construction of Gargamel, and upon her first appearance in the smurf village, no one knew what to make of her. The continuing struggle of various smurfs for Smurfette’s affections was actually founded upon competition for status and a unique identity. Let’s face it, if you looked identical to some 99 other beings, wouldn’t you struggle to be different? For example, Brainy and Hefty are conversing, and a third smurf walks by with Smurfette on his arm. Brainy’s annoying comment would run something like, “Look, it’s Weedwacker Smurf.” Hefty’s response would be, “Which one, we all look alike?” and Brainy’s snappy response would be, “The one whose walking with Smurfette.” This phenomenon is also related to the intensively competitive nature of smurf culture, to be discussed below.

Third, Papa Smurf is so-called because he is the only parent of the entire current smurf village. The eventual return/arrival of Grandpa Smurf gives a startling clue to the nature of smurf generations and civilization. As Papa says, “Grandpa Smurf was the Papa smurf when I was [the normal smurf’s] age.” Clearly, there is something amiss in smurfdom, else where are the other smurfs of Papa’s generation? Grandpa returns to THE smurf village, indicating that it is singular in existence, thus any theories of smurf-swarming and the founding of many smurf villages are inaccurate and ignore the testimony of the eldest known smurf.

Through large-scale consumption of caffeine, an unwillingness to do real work, and an uncanny ability to recall completely pointless Saturday morning cartoons, this researcher has reconstructed the horrifying truths behind the lovable and innocent-seeming smurfs. The primordial smurf being was, in fact, a sentient form of slime mold. Over the millenia, this being developed into a mobile, semi-humanoid entity which lived in symbiotic union with a particular species of forest mushroom which, under the protosmurfs’ care, grew to immense proportions. Over time, various segments of the original slime mold would take on certain specialized characteristics which would allow it to thrive and pass on its own genes. Eventually, a highly codified system of reproduction arose from the intense competition for resources (specifically shelter in the rare mushrooms).

Every generation, the living “normal” (ie, non-Papa) smurfs reach a point of maturity wherein they begin to prey upon each other, killing and feeding upon the weaker smurfs, until only a few remain. These last smurfs battle ferociously until there is only one smurf left (a little known fact is that the makers of the “Highlander” movies derived some of their background material from observation of smurf reproductive rituals). This smurf, if still healthy and capable of survival, then ousts the Papa smurf (driving him from the village) and begins to “bud”, that is, its tail falls off, regrows, falls off, etc until there are exactly 100 developing smurflings scattered throughout the village. These early smurfs are placed near to a specific object or locality within the village or surrounding forest. As these smurflings develop, they imprint that particular object or location, and it directly influences their personal development and social roles in the smurf village. If the smurf who triumphed over his village-mates is too weak or is too severeley wounded to survive, the reigning Papa kills him and begins over again. Needless to say, there is much suspicion of the current Papa Smurf’s extensive knowledge of potions and magic (poison, anyone?), which some believe is being used to retard the development of his village, thus preventing him from being ousted.

One of the greatest recent questions put to the smurfs is the arrival of Baby Smurf. Biologists’ speculations fall into two main categories. The first is that the current crop of smurfs appears to be severely damaged or too far imprinted with their tasks for any one to become the next Papa Smurf. Thus, to insure the continuation of the species, Papa Smurf spontaneously budded again, this time producing a smurfling which received no special upbringing, but was instead taught by all. The entire story of the arrival of a new smurf once in a blue moon is nothing but a ridiculous attempt by Papa to hide its own fears regarding its offspring. Apparently, the current smurf village is utterly unaware of the deadly biological instincts that will one day turn them into raving, cannibalistic smurficides competing for reproductive supremacy. This conclusion is reached because Papa’s story was widely believed upon Baby Smurf’s arrival.

The second theory explaining Baby is that Papa’s continous exposure to deadly mutagens (in the form of magic potions and bizarre drugs) has caused him to “malfunction” producing a new generation of smurflings, of which Baby is only the first. This theory is not currently favored because of Papa’s occasional remarks indicating that he considers Baby to be his most likely successor.

That, in a nutshell, is the latest theory on smurf biological reproduction and cultural development. Any further developments will be duly reported.

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