RULES TO BE A MAN
1. Don’t call, ever.
2. If you don’t like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as spike.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them.
6. Use a good pick-up line. E.g.: My girlfriend’s pregnant; will you go out
7. Drink Vernons.
8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9. Be as ambitious as possible. If you don’t want to answer, a nice
grunt will do.
10. Always remember; you’re a man. Therefore no matter what – it ain’t
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help – don’t ask.
People will think you have no dick.
14. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you
pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, manhood, etc.
16. If you don’t like a girl, but can’t think of a good enough reason,
just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, “I don’t
know, I just don’t like her personality.”
17. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.
18. TWO WORDS: Hack and Spit.
19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his own name in
20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go out with her best
friend. She will then see what she’s missing and love you for not
giving her up.
21. Tell her you will call. Then refer back to rule #1
22. Say things like, “WHA..?”
23. Don’t wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked
them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.
25. Deny everything. Everything.
26. Good break up line, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because
if any of your female friends like you, they’ll really want to know.
28. Don’t have a clue.
29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn’t and disregard it.
30. No means Yes.
31. Yes means No.
32. If you don’t get sex whenever you want it your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
33. If anyone asks you have had sex in all possible positions and
34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
35. Feelings? What feelings?
36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex, “Don’t worry. If you
don’t have an orgasm you won’t get pregnant.”
37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it’s not true or kick ass.
39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a
corner and must make a decision, stall. If you must come up with an
answer leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Q: Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?
A: Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce in a day.
40. Every sentence that everyone says can be contorted to have a sexual
meaning. Do so.
41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If by chance, you have Play Doh, make sure you make an
exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it’s right.
43. Love is not in your vocabulary. Don’t even think about saying it.
44. A general rule: If whatever you are doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it’s not really worth it.
45. Ditch your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Ditch
her again. Repeat cycle.
47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don’t.
49. Try to have a good memory. It’s OK if you forget trivial things.
Like your girlfriend’s birthday and eye color.
50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can’t see them, they can’t see