Reasons Why I Haven’t Written Lately

  1. I took a paper-folding class and every time I try and fold a letter it becomes a graceful swan or scale-covered chicken
  2. I didn’t have any stationery with a cute little bunny or Harrison Ford on it
  3. I support the migrant ink workers in their struggle against capitalist oppression
  4. Everything I write is impounded by a special senate subcommittee
  5. Three words: Processed Meat Products
  6. Keeping up a dairy farm is more than just a full time job, you know
  7. The nightly news is no longer in repeats
  8. I’ve been competing in a bake-off in Chicago
  9. Stalking James Brown has been taking a lot more of my time than it used to
  10. I’ve recently joined the Mafia. It would be in the best interests of all concerned not to question or pursue this issue any further
  11. My toe nails have been really out of control lately
  12. Knife-wielding coyotes broke into my house and stole my computer
  13. I recently got a free subscription to a WrestleMania Magazine
  14. I’ve been killing myself studying for the PSAT
  15. I’m sorry, who did you say you were?
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