Quotes and Sayings (2 of 2)

  • The Annuual Conference of Clairvoyants has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
  • The English country gentleman galloping after a fox – the unspeakable in pursuit of the uneatable.
  • The first three minutes of your life can be dangerous … The last three can be pretty dodgy too!
  • The meek shall inherit the earth – in 6′ x 2′ plots.
  • The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
  • The reason that people here get lost in thought is because it’s such unfamiliar territory.
  • The road to success is usually under construction.
  • The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
  • We are the people our parents warned us about.
  • Welsh men only marry Welsh women because sheep can’t cook.
  • When God shook the tree of life, all the nuts landed in California.
  • When faced with two evils I like to do the one I’ve never tried before. – Mae West
  • 1) You can’t win. – 2) You can’t break even. – 3) You can’t even quit the game.
  • A faithful car will continue to be faithful until the day you fit it with four brand new tyres, then it will fall apart.
  • An authority is somebody who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
  • Any given program will expand to fill all available resources.
  • Any given program, once running, is obsolete.
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • Army Axiom: An order that can be misunderstood will be misunderstood.
  • Army Law: – If it moves, salute it; – If it doesn’t move, pick it up; – If you can’t pick it up, paint it.
  • Basic research is what I am doing when – I don’t know what I am doing.
  • Do not believe in miracles – rely on them.
  • Don’t force it, get a large hammer.
  • Experiments should be reproducable, – they should all fail in the same way.
  • Finagle’s First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  • Finagle’s Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
  • First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
  • Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
  • I have yet to see any problem, which, when you looked at it the right way, did not become still more complicated.
  • If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
  • If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
  • If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, give up.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, blame the teacher.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up.
  • If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.
  • If little else, the brain is an educational toy. – Tom Robbins
  • If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone’s approval, somebody won’t like it.
  • If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand, somebody will.
  • If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant. – Snoopy.
  • If you want your name spelt wrong, die.
  • In any household, junk accumulates to fill the storage space available.
  • In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  • Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
  • Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
  • It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick something from the floor when you get up.
  • It is better for civilisation to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
  • It works better when you turn the brightness up.
  • Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do it.
  • Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.
  • Murphy’s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Murphy’s Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
  • Murphy’s First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
  • Murphy’s Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
  • Murphy’s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
  • Murphy’s Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time.
  • Negative slack tends to increase.
  • Never go to a doctor who’s office plants have died.
  • Next to surviving an earthquake, nothing is quite so satisfying as as receiving a income tax refund
  • Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
  • Old age is always 15 years older than I am.
  • On a beautiful day like this, it is hard to believe that anyone can be unhappy – but we’re working on it.
  • Parkinson’s First Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
  • Parkinson’s Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
  • Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
  • Pros are people who do jobs well even when they don’t feel like it
  • Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the restraining speed.
  • The Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
  • The chief cause of problems is solutions.
  • The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where highest overtime rates lie waiting.
  • The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won’t get much sleep.
  • The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
  • The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.
  • There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch.
  • Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or more.
  • Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases.
  • Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
  • When all else fails, read the manual.
  • When things are going well, somebody will experiment detrimentally.
  • When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make.
  • When your work speaks for itself, don’t interrupt.
  • Why can’t lifes’s big problems come when we are twenty and know everything?
  • You always find something in the last place you look.
  • You can get ANYWHERE in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
  • You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  • Another ingredient for a happy marriage: – Budget the luxuries first!
  • Another ingredient for a happy marriage: – In a family argument, if it turns out you are right – apologise at once!
  • To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
  • Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
  • Waking a person unnecessary should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offence, that is.
  • A skunk is better company than a person who prides himself on being “frank.”
  • Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other “sins” are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful – just stupid.)
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
  • A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
  • Animals can be driven crazy by placing too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.
  • We, my Lords, may thank Heaven that we have something better than out brains to depend on. (Lord Chesterfield to the House of Lords)
  • In the beginning was the word – and the word was four bytes. (from the bible?)
  • Wars are not fought to decide who is right – only who is left.
  • To err is human – To really foul things up requires computers.
  • When I am right nobody remembers… When I am wrong nobody forgets!
  • If you can’t tie good knots… tie many.
  • A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
  • What you can not avoid, Welcome
  • It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Samual Clemmens
  • Money wouldn’t be so important if everybody didn’t want some.
  • TO DO IS TO BE – Socrates – TO BE IS TO DO – Sartre – DO BE DO BE DO – Sinatra
  • Walk softly but carry a big stick.
  • A Wise Man can see more from the bottom of a well than a Fool can see from the top of a mountain.
  • When a finger points at the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger.
  • Live fast, Die young, Leave a good looking corpse.
  • Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
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