25 WAYS TO GET YOUR LOVER TO LEAVE YOU
1. Tell him/her that you have become a Shiite Muslim and have devoted your life
to Allah. Make a dartboard out of a picture of Salman Rushdie’s face and use it
often. When asked for an explanation simply reply “I’m in training.”
2. Collect jars of your pet’s feces (works especially well if you own
goldfish). Leave the jars by a sunny window. Claim that you are “this close” to
finding the cure for baldness — follicle fertilization. (If your lover is a
balding man, ask him if he will be a test subject.)
3. Give him/her a bottle of lotion in a bucket. Say “It puts the lotion on
its back. It does this whenever it’s told.” If he/she refuses, go into a rage
screaming “IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS FUCKING BACK!!!!!”
4. Continually hint that you would like to include his/her parents in sex.
5. Sneak around the house with a broom handle. When he/she isn’t looking, whack
him/her across the back of the head. Say “A ninja must be ready for anything”
and run away.
6. Read a well worn copy of Helter Skelter, frequently using a highlighter and
muttering to yourself. Occasionally say loud enough for him/her to hear
“That’s good.” and laugh.
7. Vote Republican.
8. Walk around the house naked with your body painted camouflage. Try and blend
in with the houseplants. If he/she tries to talk to you, stop all motion and
pretend that you are a tree.
9. Sleep all day and turn out all the lights in the house at night. If he/she
turns a light on scream in pain and turn it off. Then say “what are you trying
to do, kill me?
10. Go on a bathing strike. Claim you want to bond with the “unwashed masses.”
11. Refuse to communicate in any form other than interpretive dance.
12. Go with him/her to his/her family’s place of worship, and insist on making
out in the back row during the sermon.
13. Eat dinner at his/her parent’s house. Slide under the table and very
noticably perform oral sex on him/her.
14. Go to his/her place of work and in full view of any co-workers, perform a
15. Spraypaint flourescent polka dots on his/her car. Use Glow-in-the-Dark
paint if possible.
16. Eat only foods that start with an “A”. The next day, move on to “B”, and so
on. If he/she offers or eats food that does not begin with the letter of the
day, slap the food out of his/her hand and scream “NO!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO RUIN
17. Stockpile cans of Sardines. Don’t let anyone eat them. Then one day, open
every can and lay each fish side by side on your front lawn, while chanting
“You all are my children.”
18. Convince him/her to try bondage. Get him/her tied to the bed naked, then
get up, get dressed and take a home video. Send copies to everyone he/she
19. Whenever he/she enters a room, pretend you are having a conversation on the
phone. Look up, pretending to notice them for the first time. Say into the
phone “I have to go now. Shithead just walked in.” and hang up.
20. Make a shrine to Elvis. Burn an occasional BLT for a sacrifice.
21. Occasionally sing an aria. Do this in very public places: i.e. McDonalds,
his/her place of work, or during religious services. Works well in combination
23. Every time he/she tries to kiss you, zerbert his/her eye.
24. When he/she is sitting in their favorite chair, draw a circle outside of
the chair with a marker. Tell them that that is the “Circle of Death.” Every
time he/she tries to move outside of the circle, swing at him/her with a
baseball bat. Keep him/her there for at least four hours.
25. Tell him/her that you want to “slip into something more comfortable.” Come
back wearing only a cloth diaper and sit on his/her lap. Speak only in baby
talk. If he/she thinks it is some kind of cute game, make a mess in your diaper.