More Ways To Be Annoying

  1. Specify that your drive through order is “to go”.
  2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with a pen while talking to others.
  3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub”.
  4. Name your dog “dog”.
  5. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener that it was a “real hoot”.
  6. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing odd silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more at any moment.
  7. Finish all sentences with the words “in accordance with prophecy”.
  8. Signal a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
  9. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
  10. Dress only in clothes coloured hunter’s orange.
  11. Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
  12. When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” until physically restrained.
  13. Pretend your computer mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  14. Try playing the “William Tell Overture” by tapping the bottom of your chin. When nearly done announce “no wait, I messed it up”, and repeat.
  15. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  16. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl.
  17. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  18. Change your name to “John Aaaasmith” for the glory of being first in the phone book. Claim that it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each “a”.
  19. Sing along at the opera.
  20. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
  21. Construct elaborate crop circles on your front lawn.
  22. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
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