Life Got You Down?

If you’ve been a little depressed lately and have contemplated partaking in the bliss of death, here are a couple of cool ways to kill yourself. Even if you don’t use these exclusive royalty-free methods, remember to do it as creatively as possible. Don’t be boring and just take sleeping pills — go out with style and flare.

All these methods require some planning but don’t let that dissuade you. Your life must be pretty pathetic if you’re killing yourself. Why not leave a legacy?

Jumping – Difficulty level: 1
Here are a couple of great ways to kill your self by jumping off a tall building or cliff or basically anything really high. The thing about these is that they generally work best if you can get a big crowd watching before you jump. Don’t do it when there is no one around. There’s just no bloody point in that.

Explosives Strapped to Your Body – Difficulty level: 7

  1. Get a LOT of explosives. The more the better.
  2. Hook up a detonator to an altimeter. Set it for 100-200 feet. That will give you good dispersion.
  3. Mix vaseline and gasoline in a bucket.
  4. Find a really tall building. Something like the World Trade Center is perfect and is in a sufficiently crowded area to generate the proper sized crowd.
  5. Get an extra large trench coat, ski mask, duct tape and a lighter.
  6. Bring your materials to the top of your building. Liberally apply the vaseline-gasoline mixture to your entire body. Duct tape the explosives around your legs, arms, head and torso. The more you use the better. You cannot overdo this. Attach the altimeter to the explosives.
  7. Put on the trench coat and mask so that the explosives are not visible.
  8. Start ranting and throwing things so that you are sure to attract notice. Drag this part out as long as possible. Say anything that comes to mind but try to stay away from real problems. Your love life DOES NOT make for a good sound bite. Ask for news cameras from the major networks. Pace around a lot while waving your arms.
  9. DO NOT let on that you have explosives on your body. The police will clear the area and you definitely don’t want that.
  10. When you’ve gotten the crowd to a fevered pitch, when the helicopters are hovering like vultures, whip off the jacket and set yourself on fire.
  11. Wait until you are completely engulfed in flame then jump.
  12. Try to steer yourself towards the crowd. That way flaming falling body parts will pelt the fleeing onlookers when you explode.
  13. Congratulations! You’ve just made history.

Falling through Chain Saws – Difficulty level: 10
This is much more difficult to pull off. Instead of explosives, the money shot is you falling though three or four operating chain saws. You do not need as high a building for this — anything above three stories will do. Remember to use the vaseline-gasoline mixture. That’s the ingredient that adds pizzazz.

Bullet in Your Head – Difficulty level: 1
HAMMER a bullet into your skull. Make sure there is an empty gun nearby but do not fire it. Bash the bullet into your frontal lobe. It doesn’t matter how you get it done it will perplex the authorities for years and you will, most assuredly, be a hot news topic. Hell, you want fame in death to rival the obscurity you had in life don’t you?

Death by Hairball – Difficulty level: 3
Get a cat or a dog and brush it every day. Save the hair until you have a giant hairball. Plug up your nose then shove the hairball into your mouth.
Leave a cryptic note about how you believe little Fluffy or Rover was planning to kill you in your sleep.

Meat Grinder – Difficulty level: 11
Find a sausage making company that has a giant meat grinder. Set up a hidden video camera to tape your death. Leave a will with explicit instructions that it not be read until one year after the night of your grinding. In it, detail the way you died and the location of the hidden camera.
Sneak in at night naked and turn on the video camera. Climb into the grinder and take massive amounts of pills of your choice. Make sure it is enough to kill you.
In the morning you will be ground up and made into sausages. One year later your will will be read to the news media and people all around the nation will vomit simultaneously.

Drown in Your Own Urine – Difficulty level: 8
Get a huge vat or possibly an above ground pool. Save all your urine. Drown yourself in it. Put a note on the side of the pool saying, “MY URINE.”
This method would work for any body fluid: vomit, snot, dooty. For you despondent guys out there: A vat of your own sperm would be truly impressive. You would have to work frantically for years, but what else have you got to do? Pop into alt.binaries.erotica.bestiality and get crackin’.

Make a Political Statement – Difficulty level: 5
The abundance of media outlets these days has afforded a nearly infinite number of ways to relay your message of doom and despair while consequently minimizing the impact. No longer can you be assured a sizable audience for the ranting and pontificating that so often accompany political/ecological/religious movements.

“Oh, whatever can I do?!” you may be wailing. “The world is coming to an end. Death and despair loom on the horizon. [Insert your hated adversary’s name here] is the embodiment of evil. He/she/they/it is/are/will be the antichrist/destruction of us all/black death come to haunt us/etc.”

“How can I get my cause the attention it deserves?” you ask. The answer is simple: A futile pointless violent act displayed to millions on the evening news.

Chop Your Own Head Off While Standing Next to a Major World Leader

  1. Ingratiate yourself with your chosen mark. Get his/her/its confidence. Become a trusted member of the inner circle.
  2. Sew a hand ax into a coat or jacket so that it is easily removable but not particularly visible.
  3. Make a statement. Video tape is preferable because the TV news shows love visuals. The more visual material they have the better. The next best thing would be audio tape. It won’t hold an audience as well but at least it can be played under the video of your death. Never write a letter. No one reads anymore. No one will care. Make sure your message will be easily found on your corpse.
  4. On the day of a major rally, with hundreds or thousands of attendees and lots of television cameras, wear the coat with the hand ax attached.
  5. Send backup copies of your message to as many news outlets as you can on the appointed day.
  6. Stand in the background as you remove the ax from the coat. When you are finished move slowly toward your dignitary.
  7. As the event reaches its climax, whip out the ax and lop off your own head. If possible try to run around like a chicken. Make sure to get as much blood on the famous person as possible. Aim well. That will be the image that gets the news coverage and the sour faces from Cathy Lee Gifford.
  8. Bask in your glorious death. You’ve made the supreme sacrifice to save the world and have ended the torment that was your existence.

Assisted Suicide
Sometimes you need help. Sometimes it takes a committee. Some of the many ways of suicide are just too complicated to do alone. These are perfectly valid routes to bliss and will not taint, in any way, your death.

Death by Seinfeld – Difficulty level: 9
Find a strong burly friend that will help you. Then find Jerry Seinfeld. Have your strong burly friend pick up Seinfeld and beat you to death with him.
Later Jerry will make a tv show out of it or maybe it will just end up in his act. “So I said, ‘Hey! Who are these people that pick up other people and beat other people to death with them?'”

Plug ‘Em Up – Difficulty level: -1
Get a lot of ten-ton epoxy to seal any and all body openings. Wait a while. Explode.

A Pun Death – Difficulty level: 3
Take five large steaks. Rub them all over your body and stuff what remains into every pocket and orifice you can find. Tape at least one streak inside your clothing directly to your body. Find one large hungry grizzly bear. Taunt it till it comes to a full boil, attacks, and kills you.
Dying this way, at the paws of a grizzly bear, will allow the tabloid newspapers and daily tv news shows to use the headline “Grizzly Death!” repeatedly.

Intest You Intest Me – Difficulty level: 4
Sometimes you want to do something violent and bloody but you just don’t have the wherewithal to assemble a cache of assault weapons. This method is simple and convenient for those on limited budgets.

  1. Make a small incision in your stomach.
  2. Pull out your intestines.
  3. Hang yourself with the intestines.
  4. A cryptic note about aliens might be a nice touch.

End the Holiday Madness – Difficulty level: 6
Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season. There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY too many repetitions of songs you’ve been listening to since childhood. Anything Cathy Lee Gifford espouses must, by definition, be evil.

The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to:

  1. Stick your head in the turkey just after it comes out of the oven preferrably during the Christmas DayTM family gathering but a Thanksgiving DayTM end may also serve your purposes. Your timing really depends on your own peculiar circumstances.
  2. Run around banging into family members all the while flailing your arms. You can never go wrong flailing your arms when trying to kill your self. The more flailing the better.
  3. Go into a room that can be easily locked so you won’t be accidently saved by well meaning but inconsiderate friends or family members. [Alternatively you can just flee the house and run through the streets aimlessly until you pass out. NO ONE in a large city will ever go near someone with a steaming turkey on his head. If you live in a wooded or rural area the best thing to do would be to run off into the wilderness so your body can be found with all sorts of gnaw marks on it from the multitude of animals that will flock to your decaying carcass (and the turkey’s too).]
  4. An interesting footnote to this holiday might be to swallow a large number of Christmas ornaments (lights, small Santa dolls, actual fruit cake) before you follow your bliss. Give your family and friends (if you have either) something to discuss the following year.
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