What’s the difference between a dead politician lying in the middle of the road, and a dead dog in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog!
Paddy decided to tidy himself up a bit one day, and went out and bought himself a tie. He had to take it back though, too tight.
A young wife whispers in her husbands ear one night. “Let’s make love differently tonight. Let’s do it back to back.” Don’t be stupid woman.” replied the husband. “That’s impossible!” “No it isn’t.” said the wife, “I’ve invited Henry and Jane over!”
THE BALD HEADED BARBER WAS TRYING TO SELL HIS CUSTOMER A BOTTLE OF HAIR TONIC.”HOW CAN YOU TRY TO SELL ME A BOTTLE WHEN YOU HAVE NO HAIR YOURSELF?” HE WAS CHALLENGED. “NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!” WAS THE ANSWER. I KNOW A GUY WHO SELLS BRASSIERES,”
Reggie owned an elephant, but the cost of feeding it was getting out of hand. Then he had a great idea. He had seen elephants lift one leg, and even two legs, once in a circus he’d even seen an elephant lift three legs in the air and stand on just one. So reggie announced to the would that he’d pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant stand in the air on no legs.
However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay a hundred dollars. People came from near and far. They tried everything from coaxing to hypnotism, but none could make the elephant rise up into the air.
Then one day a blue convertible drove up and a little man got out and addressed reggie: “is it true that you’lll pay ten thousand dollars if i make your elephant get off all four legs?” “Yes,” said reggie, “but you’ve got to pay one hundred dollars to try.” The little man handed reggie a hundred dollar bill. Then he went back to the car and took out a metal club. He walked up to the elephant and looked him in the eye. Then he walked behind the elephant swung hard, hitting the elephant between the back legs.
The elephant let out a roar and flew up into the air. After the little man had collected his ten thousand dollars, reggie was very depessed. He had only taken in eight thousand dollars and now he’d not only lost a couple of grand but still had the problem of feeding and housing the elephant.
Suddenly reggie got another inspiration. He knew that elephants could move their heads up and down, but he had never seen one move his head from side to side. So he announced that he would pay ten thousand dollars to anyone who could make his elephant move his head from side to side. However, each person who wanted to try would have to pay one hundred dollars. People came from near and far. They paid their hundred and they tried, but, of course, none succeded.
Then just when things were going well, a familiar blue convertible drove up and the little man came out. He addressed reggie:”is it true that you’ll pay me ten thousand dollars if i can make your elephant move his head from side to side?” “Yes,” said reggie,”but yoou’ll have to pay me one hundred dollars to try”. The little man gave reggie the hundred dollars. Then he returned to his car and took out his metal club. He walked up to the elephant.
“Do you remember me?” He asked. The elephant nodded by shaking his headup and down. “Do you want me to do it again?” And the elephant quickly shook his head….No.
FARMER JOE WAS VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE POOR PERFORMANCE OF HIS PRIZE BULL FOR WHICH HE HAD PAID AN ASTRONOMICAL SUM. HE TALKED TO ALL HIS FRIENDS EVERY TIME HE WENT TO MARKET AND ONE DAY HE LEARNED FROM A MATE THAT THERE WAS AN AMAZING VET DOWN IN THE WEST COUNTRY. HE WAS SO DEPRESSED ABOUT THE BULL THAT HE DECIDED TO GO TO CORNWALL TO FIND THE VET. AT LAST HE FOUND THE CHAP WHO URGED HIM TO GIVE THE BULL A LARGE PILL ONCE EVERY DAY.
A FEW MOUNTHS LATER HE MET HIS MATE WHO ASKED HIM HOW HE HAD GOT ON.”OH, IT WAS MARVELLOUS,” HE SAID,”HE GAVE ME THESE PILLS FOR THE BULL AND I HAD NO SOONER STARTED HIM ON THEM THAN HE HIT THE JACKPOT, IN FACT,” HE SAID “I’M MAKING A FORTUNE OUT OF THE LOCAL FARMERS THEY CANT GET THEIR COWS ROUND HERE FAST ENOUGH!” “WHAT ARE THESE PILLS THEN?” ASKED HIS MATE. “OH!”SAID THE FARMER,”HUGE GREAT GREEN JOBS LIKE BOMBS, WITH A PEPPERMINT TASTE!”
THE HIPPIE WAS BEING INTERVIEWED BY A CIVIL SERVANT.
CIVIL SERVANT:”WHY DONT YOU WEAR PROPER CLOTHES AND CUT YOUR HAIR”
CIVIL SERVANT:”IF YOU SMARTENED YOURSELF UP YOU COULD GET A JOB”
CIVIL SERVANT(PATIENTLY):”BECAUSE IN A JOB YOU GET PAID MONEY,”
CIVIL SERVANT(GETTING A BIT EXASPERATED):”SO YOU CAN SAVE SOME MONEY,”
CIVIL SERVANT(EXTREMELY ANNOYED):”IT’S OBVIOUS,YOU IDIOT! WITH THE MONEY YOU’VE SAVED YOU CAN RETIRE AND NOT WORK ANYMORE,”
HIPPIE:”I’M NOT WORKING NOW,”
PEOPLE WHO COUGH LOUDLY NEVER GO TO THE DOCTOR, THEY GO TO THE CINEMA.
THREE SCOTSMEN WERE VISITING LONDON FOR A HOLIDAY AND ON SUNDAY THEY WENT TO CHURCH. AS THE COLLECTION PLATE MOVED CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THEIR PEW THEY BECAME MORE AND MORE WORRIED. JUST BEFORE THE PLATE REACHED THEM, ONE OF THE SCOTSMEN FAINTED AND THE OTHER TWO CARRIED HIM OUT OF THE CHURCH.
IT WAS A REGULAR COFFEE MORNING AT JOYCE CROSS’S HOUSE, AND HER TWO FRIENDS HAD GOT ONTO THE SUBJECT OF CONFESSIONS AND WERE DETAILING THEIR SECRET VICES.
‘MY TROUBLE,’ SAID SHEILA, ‘IS THAT I’M SUCH A FLIRT, I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF MEN’ AND I’VE LOST COUNT HOW MANY TIMES I’VE BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO JOHN.’
‘MY PROBLEM IS GAMBLING,’COMMENTED JEAN.’THE HOUSEKEEPING MONEY SOON RUNS OUT AT THE BETTING SHOP AND I’M IN DEBT UP TO MY EARS.BUT STILL THE LURE OF THE HORSES URGES ME ON.’
‘WELL’ SAID JOYCE.’MY SECRET VICE IS PROBABLY WORSE THAN YOURS,I’M SUCH A TERRIBLE GOSSIP.’
‘EXCUSE ME,DO YOU KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE “HAWAII”?
IS IT WITH A “V” SOUND OR A “W”?’
THERE WAS THIS CANNIBAL WHO TOASTED HIS MOTHER IN LAW AT THE WEDDING RECEPTION, AND ANOTHER CANNIBAL WHO WANTED TO BECOME A DETECTIVE SO THAT HE COULD GRILL ALL HIS SUSPECTS.
LITTLE JOHN WAS THE SCHOOL SWAT.
ALL THE OTHER KIDS USED TO PICK HIM UP AND BASH FLIES WITH HIM.
IF IT WASN’T FOR VENETIAN BLINDS IT WOULD BE CURTAINS FOR ALL OF US.
NEVER TELL A PSYCHIATRIST YOU’RE A SCHIZOPHRENIC.
HE’LL CHARGE YOU DOUBLE.