Instructions for DC tourists

Advice for tourists in DC:

*Don’t miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
*Find and use the dining car on the Metro
*If the cab doesn’t have a meter, you ride for free
*Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on
the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
*Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist “Scratch &
Sniff” room at the National Gallery of Art
*Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the
Arlington National Cemetary–bring your own shovel
*Help keep the nation’s capital clean: after entering the Metro through
the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
*If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don’t worry. Remember, it’s a
circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you’ll be
back at your desired exit!
*Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service
agents guarding the President to laugh
*The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit
the Capitol.
*Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run
for your life!
*Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
*Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many
good-looking unmarried men
*For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to “soften”
them up before using the Metro card machines
*When taking a taxi, ask to see as many “zones” as possible. This is a
delightful way to see the city.
*There’s free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building
*If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor’s office
or residence and ask for some Coke
*To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person
in front of you who is using the ATM
*Going to the zoo? Don’t forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a
refreshing dip in any of the zoo’s conveniently located moats
*Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies’ day at Burning Tree
*In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom
of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before
proceeding.

Notes to non-D.C. area people:
*D.C. cabs do not use meters. They are on a “zone” system.
*The “black marble court” is the Vietnam Veteran’s Memorial.
*The flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an approaching train.
*Dupont Circle has a high percentage of homosexual men and women.
*Burning Tree is a men only country club. Women are allowed there only one
day a year, 2 weeks before Christmas to buy gifts for their husbands.

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