In The News – Excerpts from the LA Times
Includes Late Night Humor
President Clinton is trying to sell his budget to a GOP Congress. Being
a Democratic President these days is a lot like owning a cemetary. There
are lots of people under you but nobody’s listening.
President Clinton has named a gynecologist as Surgeon General. This is a
good idea. Maybe now they can get a proctologist to help out with
President Clinton is trying to get Congress to help out with the
baseball strike. Great. Millions of Americans who have to scrape by on
minimum wage will have to wait while President Clinton settles the
MAXIMUM wage for baseball players.
The space shuttle engaged in a historic rendezvous with the Russian
space craft, Mir. Once they were side by side, the Russians held up a
sign that read, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” The Russians were
reluctant to allow the encounter at first because of a feul leak on the
shuttle. Scientists scrambled to pinpoint the source of the leaks.
Robert Shapiro told NASA to blame F Lee Bailey.
The Los Angeles police department have installed a new voice mail
system. Now when you call, you’ll hear, “If you are a criminal, press
one to hear your Miranda rights. If you are the victim of a crime, press
two and begin screaming.” If all the lines are busy, i suppose they’ll
put you on chokehold…
A recent Discover magazine article explains how men may be able to grow
breasts. This is great news. NOW maybe Senator Bob Packwood will be able
to keep his hands to himself.
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OJ Simpson had such a close relationship with the LAPD that during the
widely publicized chase last year, many of the officers thought they
were just going to OJ’s house for tennis and doughnuts.
Candace Garvey testified that OJ had a bizarre, faraway look in his eyes
at the dance recital. Geez, EVERYONE who goes to one of those things has
a bizarre and faraway look!
Judge Ito announced that he is taking the jurors on a field trip to the
crime scene in Brentwood. Why doesn’t he just turn it into a scavenger
hunt? Whoever finds the knife gets a free conjugal visit.
There were two big breakthroughs in the case this week. So far, Nicole
Brown Simpson’s dog is the only witness without a drinking problem.
Also, Mezzaluna waiters and waitresses testified in court. This is
historic – it’s the first time in LA history that you could actually
find a waiter when you needed one.
Jane Fonda is denying rumors that she’ll play OJ’s girlfriend in a
remake of “Barbarella” to be called “Barbieri”.
And finally in sports, 49ers quarterback Steve Young plans to become an
attorney. He’ll be the first quarterback in history to play three
quarters and be able to bill the team for four.