The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife
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16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head,
trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
15. Find a prostitute and marry her.
–Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering
–Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
–Boaz (Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance,
grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
–Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will
cost you a rib.
–Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right.
Fourteen years of toil for a woman.
–Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and
get his daughter for a wife.
–David (1 Samuel somewhere)
8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll
definitely find someone. (It’s all relative off course.)
–Cain (Genesis 4)
7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
–Xerxes or Atrahasis (Esther 1)
6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents,
“I have seen a …woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question
your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”
–Samson (Judges 14)
5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
–David (2 Samuel 9)
4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow.
(It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law).
–Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
3. Don’t be so picky. Make for quality with quantity.
–Solomon (1 Kings 11)
2. A wife?…NOT!!!
–Paul (I Corinthians 7)
1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry
a whole bunch of people.
–Jesus (Revelation 15?)