How To Be Annoying

  • Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
  • Drum on every available surface.
  • Remove every line of someone’s .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
  • Staple papers in the middle of the page.
  • Ask 800 operators for dates.
  • Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
  • Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
  • Specify that your drive-through order is “to go”.
  • Set alarms for random times.
  • Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…
  • Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
  • Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed’s stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
  • Honk and wave to strangers.
  • Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
  • Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
  • Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
  • Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
  • ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  • Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  • Pay for your dinner with pennies.
  • Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
  • Light road flares on a birthday cake.
  • Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
  • Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
  • Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
  • Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
  • At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
  • When Christmas carolling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
  • Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
  • As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  • Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
  • Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
  • Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
  • Drive half a block.
  • Name your dog “Dog”.
  • Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
  • Ask people what gender they are.
  • Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
  • Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
  • Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  • Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
  • While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  • Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
  • Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
  • Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
  • Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  • Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
  • Ask to “interface” with someone.
  • Sing along at the opera.
  • Mow your lawn with scissors.
  • At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!”
  • Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
  • Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook… something about “psychological profiles”.
  • Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
  • Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
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