How to be a Cool Asian

  • Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white.
  • Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine.
  • Own a cellular phone.
  • Have only Asian friends.
  • Speak only in Asian languages.
  • Dress as though you’re headed for a party when you’re actually going to class.
  • If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA.
  • If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA.
  • Smoke even if you don’t know how to, especially if you’re with friends.
  • Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties.
  • Go to all the cool Asian “intercollegiate parties.”
  • Refuse to dance to anything but techno music.
  • Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians.
  • Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
  • If you’re a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE.
  • If you’re a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY.
  • Wear only designer labels.
  • Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel.
  • Own a pair of Doc Martens.
  • Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them.
  • Make sure your parents are doctors or better yet, grocery store owners.
  • BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER.
  • Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car.
  • Own a sports car.
  • Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated.
  • Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school.
  • Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion.
  • Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
  • If you’re a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis.
  • If you’re a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal “coolness.”
  • Two words: Manhattan Portage.
  • If you’re a guy, don’t be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car’s engine.
  • If you’re a girl, don’t be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up on your face.
  • If you’re a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs.
  • If you’re Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish.
  • Date only the people from your own clique, or even “a cooler one.”
  • If you’re in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see.
  • If you’re a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the “theft” of your women.
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