Guide to Lecturer-Spotting

It is only now that the alert first year will begin to notice that the majority of his lecturers are actually stranger than the students surrounding him.

However it may not yet be entirely clear how varied these examples of mental deformity can be. Here we will go through a brief rundown of the various forms of dementia.

1) The Bullshitter (Cluelessum Fuckwiti)
These people are generally more common among young lecturers who come onto the circuit full of hope and then realise that their teacher training bears no resemblance whatsoever to the work they are required to cover. Thus they resort to spouting huge chunks of recommended texts verbatim without a clue about what they are talking about. Their response to questions from students about what the hell they are on about is to repeat the text and, upon further questioning lapse into embarrassing silence. The best idea is to save them the embarrassment and go straight to your tutor and ask him. If he happens to be one
of the above, well, you’re up the creek without a paddle aren’t you ?

2) The Clever-Dick (Personus Twistedum)
The uninitiated spotter will be at first unable to tell the bullshitter and the clever dick apart. The difference will, however, soon become clear. Whereas the bullshitter hasnaclue, the clever dick has, but he just doesn’t WANT anyone anyone else to know what he’s on about. These people generally have unhappy childhoods, and grow up maladjusted, hating the world for what they think it has done to them. In a bizzarre revenge plan they fly through lecture notes at breakneck speed, snapping at anyone who attempts to ask a question and quickly gaining a reputation for being a complete bastard. Assignments will be set every week without fail and anyone handing one in more than 10 minutes late will be removed from the course.
There is, unfortunately, no cure for these people. Get a clever dick as a lecturer, and you are well and truly, as the saying goes, in the smelly stuff.

3) The Failed Joker (Jimus Tarbuki)
These guys really are a right larf. The failed joker’s childhood ambition was to be a comic on the northern club circuit and have their very own frilly shirt and perm. However, even though the closest he ever got was being a third rate lecturer in ‘AC theory’ he continues to practise his crappy jokes, even going so far as to relate the jokes to the course content with the kind of grim determination which even
a leech would be proud of. Since the students are still trying to sort out exactly what the course content IS, the result is an embarrassing pause for several seconds after every joke.
Here is a useful revision tip for use with Failed Jokers : take a note of each and every joke he or she makes. When you understand the jokes, you’ve done enough revision. MORE than enough.

4) The Mumbler (mftmi thfphtfus)
Thf mmumblr hs tobe unn uf thf muft unnnying lucchrersh arundsh.”
The sentence above is a perfect example of a relatively new phenomenon on the lecturing circuit; Mumblespeak. It roughly translates into English as, ” The mumbler has to be one of the most annoying lecturers around.” Due to the rapidly decreasing numbers of people becoming lecturers those who choose to are being pushed out of training earlier and earlier, with consequently less and less experience. One of the skills which is often neglected is communication, with the result being THE MUMBLER. This has the unfortunate side-effect of rendering useless one of the main weapons in the student “anti-lecturer”
armoury : falling into a light doze while half-listening, awakening only when an important point is made. With a Mumbler lectures become frightening affairs with pupils forced to STAY AWAKE for minutes on end, trying to digest diagrams while at the same time desperately trying to translate the gibberish.
NOTE : People who have Mumblers as lecturers for long periods of time make good modern languages students.

5) The Repeater (Repeatus Repeatus Repeatus)
It will very rapidly become clear if you have a repeater as a lecturer. Halfway through your third lecture you will suddenly have a strange sense of ‘deja vu’, and begin to think “this sounds vaguely familiar”. One glance at last weeks notes will confirm it. This lecturer, incapable of starting one lecture at the point he left off, has gone RIGHT back to the beginning of the course. If you have been given printed notes for the course you can relax and stay in bed an hour longer in the morning.

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