Government Contracting Definitions

  • CONTRACTOR — A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
  • BID OPENING — A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
  • BID — A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
  • LOW BIDDER — A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
  • ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE — The cost of construction in heaven.
  • PROJECT MANAGER — The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
  • CRITICAL PATH METHOD – A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
  • OSHA — A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney — usually applied at random with a shotgun.
  • STRIKE — An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
  • DELAYED PAYMENT — A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
  • COMPLETION DATE — The point at which liquidated damages begin.
  • LIQUIDATED DAMAGES — A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
  • AUDITOR — People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
  • LAWYER — People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.
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