Dictonary of Gardening

Or the real truth about that funny place round the back.

Aaaa Sound produced by dozing gardener when stung by bee trapped in said gardener’s trouser leg.
Annual Any plant that dies before blooming.
Aphid Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet and utter phour- letter words.
Bed Where most prized flowering perennials are located.
Where most gardeners are located when they hear rabbits in 1.
Catalogues Forms of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seedsmen and tool manufacturers.
Dog Familiar domestic quadruped, whose main hobby is palaeontology. declares squatter’s rights and buries its favorite specimins under your most prized shrubs.
Device with tooth which penetrates or grips object and detains it.(Usually leg of unsuspecting gardener.)
Easter Sunday Traditional planting time in many parts of the country.
Easter Monday Traditional time to dig up and dispose of plants killed by unexpected hard frost of previous night.
Fence Barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly.
Fertilizer Plant food. The feeding procedure is complicated but the few essential facts about fertilizers can be mastered quickly. Just remember the numbers three, two and five. They refer to: The three basic types – messy, stinky and messy/stinky; the two sizes available – trial (four ounce packet) economy (220 pound sack); and the five methods of application – too much, too little, too early, too late and wrong kind.
Fruit General term for the seed-bearing part of a plant that is eaten by birds or worms, drops off, rots, gets funny spots, isn’t what was pictured in the catalogues, tastes like a glove or doesn’t appear at all.
Furrow Horizontal line on forehead of a gardener.
Garden One of the vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs to provide healthfull,balanced meals for insects, birds and animals.
Hoe Gardening tool whose name derives from the fact that when its blade is stepped on, its handle delivers a sharp rap to the gardener’s brow, at which point he cries “Ho!”
Hose Crude but effective, totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flower-beds.
Injuries Accidental mishaps from careless use of various implements which nurserymen guarantee easy to use.
Jumper Ragged garment favoured by gardeners that usually has plenty of ventilation especially at the elbows.
Kneeling Prone position of gardener when praying for rain during frequent drought periods that occur when plants need extra moisture to sustain growth.
Lament Song sung by gardeners, generally off key, to encourage plants to grow.
Mulch Material placed round the base of a plant to keep it moist and warm. Wood chips, leaf matter and even unwanted printed matter may be used. (Warning: The ink on your paper may damage plants;)
Nursery The only known place where money grows on trees.
Onion Useful culinary plant that comes in different sizes, guaranteed to cure dry-eye syndrome.
Perennial Any plant which, had it lived, would have bloomed year after year.
Potato The ideal vegetable. Not bitter,stringy pulpy, or gritty, it can be boiled, fried, baked, roasted, creamed or mashed. It is even tasty served as a salad. Best of all, since potatoes of excellent quality are available all the year round at very reasonable prices, there is absolutelyno reason whatsoever to grow them – in fact, there is a very good reason not to.
Potato blight The very good reason not to.
Quarrel A form of heated dialogue between rival gardeners.
Root Subsurface part of a weed inadvertently left in the ground when the upper portion is removed, thus resulting in the weed’s speedy regrowth.
Subsurface part of an ornamental shrub, or tree a small portion of which is inadvertently left in the ground when the said plant is transplanted, resulting in the plant’s rapid death.
Rot Gardening advice.
Seed Highly nutritious form of bird food in handsome packets.
Stake Hard, tasteless garden product that generally constitutes the bulk of the harvest after visits by rabbits, birds, squirrels and other inhabitants of the space a gardener thought he had vacant possesion of.
Tools Gardening implements that have a distinct life-cycle:

  1. ACTIVE PHASE (one to twelve weeks), marked by appearance of blisters on hands and bruises on legs of user;
  2. METAMORPHOSIS PHASE (12 to 14 weeks), during which the handle suddenly breaks at the point where it is joined to the metal working-end; and
  3. DORMANT PHASE (14 weeks to 20 years), spent by the two halfs of the tool in a dark corner of a shed.
Umbrella Folding circular cover of silk, nylon, etc., on stick, carried in hand to protect against rain. Varieties are available all year round. Most prolific between the months of April to September (this is known as the growing season or Summer.)
Vermin Any creature that eats green vegetables voluntarily.
Weed Any plant that will survive at least one week without being fertilized, watered, pruned, sprayed, staked, misted mulched, dusted or wrapped in sacking, paper or plastic.
Xylocarpous Having fruit that becomes hard or woody. A condition common to most fruits that do appear.
Yawn A reaction common to most gardeners who have mastered the art of deck-chair assembly.
Zssss Sound produced by dozing gardener in deck-chair.
Sound produced by bee trapped in dozing gardener’s trouser leg.
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