Condensed Guide to the Ivy League

And now, a brief explanation of the Ivy League…

BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do you have a nose ring?
Are you terribly progressive and do you have a s**tload of empathy? Are you
sick and tired of silly things like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like commuters? Are you
planning on transferring to another Ivy school after your freshman year?

HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really hate them? Do you
never want to have another teacher again? And what about a social life? Do
you hate that, too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what the hell an eating club is?
Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Have you always dreamed of living in
the great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot? How about four more years
of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic West Philadelphia? Does the
concept of rigorous academics scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you interested in jumping off
high places? Have you ever wanted to converse with future hotel managers?

YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to get away from
stuff like culture and people? Do you like to drink? Do you like to drink
some more? Do you like to continue to drink? And what’s your feeling on
drinking? COME TO DARTMOUTH!!!

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