Chivalry Is Not Dead; The Sexist Pigs’ Guide To Chivalry In The 90s

Chivalry is not dead, it’s just gone into hiding. With the emergence of strong, assertive women who construe certain gestures of common courtesy as a sign of weakness and a hangable offense, gentlemen have to be careful of who they hold that door open for. Each man must devise his own guidelines on how and when to act. To aid these poor creatures, we therefore proudly present…

1. RISING TO THE OCCASION
Moral Dilemma: You’re rushing through a department store and get to the escalator at the same time as an attractive young woman. Should you stop and let her get in front of you?
Sexist Solution: Ask yourself, “Do I want this person’s butt at face-level for the next 45 seconds?” Act accordingly.

2. CHIVALRY IN THE SUBWAYS
Moral Dilemma: You’re sitting on the subway reading your newspaper. You look up and see a good-but-tired-looking chick standing over you. Should you offer her your seat?
Sexist Solution: Do so instantly if she is either pregnant or wearing a low-cut blouse that will allow you to see down to her navel when you’re standing over her drooling.

3. SHARING THE LOAD
Moral Dilemma: A female friend is overladen with packages. Should you be so presumptuous as to offer to ease her burden?
Sexist Solution: If she is carrying the bags upon her chest, relieve her at once as this provides an excellent opportunity to cop a feel.

4. SEXUAL PURSE-SUIT
Moral Dilemma: A hot babe you’d like to meet drops her purse and spills it contents in front of you. Should you help reclaim the displaced articles or should you casually stand behind her and gawk at her butt?
Sexist Solution: Immediately bend down and assist. Not only will this provide the perfect opportunity to introduce yourself, but you’ll get a great view of cleavage *AND* you’ll know what kind of protection she carries in her purse (e.g., pills, condoms, Mace).

5. SPLITTING THE BILL
Moral Dilemma: You’re out to dinner with a sex goddess. When the check comes, she insists on paying half. If you know already that sex is a certainty, should you give her back her money?
Sexist Solution: No. To refuse her now could upset her, meaning that later she might refuse you of something. Instead, use the money you save to buy her a gift. For example, take her to dinner again next week — that way you get to nail her *TWICE* for the same money!

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