The Top 10 Things I Added To “Beast” (my computer)

Beast is my i386DX-25. It will soon be FreeBSD. Vanity mirror 32 GB Ultra-wide SCSI hard drive (yeah, right) 51″ monitor Cup holder that says “8X” Commodore 64 emulator A REAL mouse (It wiggles all over the place when I plug its tail in) Class A IP subnet An IPng … Continue reading

Santa Clause for Concern

Dear Santa: We’re worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society … Continue reading

The Speed of Time by Age

Age  Is it Christmas yet? 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania – by covered wagon. Most common phrase: “Is it Christmas yet?” 10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell … Continue reading

How The Angel Got To Be On Top Of The Christmas Tree

It just happened to be one of those dreadful days for Santa… It started of when he woke up groaning with a dreadful headache. But with so many things to do before Christmas Eve a few days later, there was no way that he could permit himself time to rest. … Continue reading

Ten things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving, but aren’t

Reach in and grab the giblets. Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Tying the legs together will keep the insides moist. Talk about a huge breast! “and he forced his way into the end zone…” She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it … Continue reading

MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will … Continue reading

Computer Room Christmas Carol

T’was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night. The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully … Continue reading

God Rest Ye Unitarians

GOD REST YE UNITARIANS (Author Unknown) 1. God rest ye, Unitarians, Let nothing you dismay! Remember that there is no proof There was a Christmas Day For Christmas really started as A pagan holiday. Oh, glad tidings of reason and fact, Reason and fact. Glad tidings of reason and fact. … Continue reading

Merry Christmas – ASCII Art

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Twelve Drummers Drumming .-} .-} .-} |_| |_| |_| (_) (_) __ (_) .—. | .–. | .’ ‘. | / |_|–o ) |_|–o ; |_|–o | |:| ‘–‘ |:|’.__.’ |:| / |:| |:| |:| `—` |:|_ |:|_ … Continue reading

Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms … Continue reading

History Of Santa Claus: The Untold Story

Year 1689 Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp. 1691 Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus’ crew abandons him. 1692 Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items with him from the North Pole. … Continue reading

Christmas Carols: Renamed

Try to figure out which Xmas carols these are!!! Move hitherwards, the entire assembly of those who are steadfast. Ecstasy towards the terrestrial sphere. Hush, the celestial messengers produce harmonious sounds. Creator, cool it, you kooky cats. O tatterdemalion ebony atmosphere. The thing manifested itself at the onset of a … Continue reading

The Christmas Present Revenge

Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years – and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove … Continue reading

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Every Who Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot… But the Grinch, Who lived just north of Who-ville, Did NOT! The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right. It … Continue reading

Naughty Children and Santa

As the Christmas season draws nigh, foretelling the end of over a full month of Commercial Christmas, there is a special urgency in the spirits of children as they visit toy stores and toy departments all over the country. It was with particular urgency that little Wilbert dragged his mother … Continue reading

Things To Be Thankful For

It’s Thanksgiving Day and despite our reputation as a cynic (and that’s the _nicest_ thing they call us), we do have some things to be thankful for: The queen didn’t have more children. The John Bobbitt video hasn’t been picked up as a Fox miniseries. The Vampire wasn’t interviewed by … Continue reading

Seasonal Medical Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer’s Syndrome

Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverer’s Syndrome Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1993 Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D. On January 2, 1993, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, … Continue reading

The TEX-MEX “Night before Christmas”

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa, Not a creature ws stirring — Caramba! Que pasa? Los ninos were tucked away in their camas, Some in long underwear, some in pijamas, While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado To … Continue reading