Birth Order

Composed by Jim Muncy

Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own
experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things
change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could
for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby
move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt
this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them
about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office.
I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience
in all of our letter to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it
our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother
called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football.
By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to
her and said “Cant you make your tummy stay still? I’m trying to
sleep.” When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for
a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we
rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her
down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in
thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat,
with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her
feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having
regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we
went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she
was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to
drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished
the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to
forget the pillows.

The First Step

First Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera.
My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the
one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double
prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24″ X 36″ and framed. We
hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the
four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with
voice-over by a local anchor-man.

Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of
video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a
twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it
into my wallet.

Third Child: We couldn’t find the video-camera and we only had five
shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don’t
remember if we ever got the roll developed.

Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up
high so the child wouldn’t grab it.

The First Time the Child Fell and Got a Cut

First Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept
him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed
but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding
started again.

Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly
bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living
room to comfort the pain.

Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of
minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn’t hurt too badly. When
he didn’t stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed
for a while but we went on about our business.

Fourth Child: We told the child that if she were still bleeding in a
few minutes to come over here and we would see what we could do. When
the child came walking up to the door, we told her to stay outside
because we didn’t want her bleeding on the carpet.

Pacifier Falls on Floor

First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it
by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten
minutes, she gives it back to the child.

Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on
it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child

Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to
the child.

Fourth child. Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back
to the child.

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