Ants in your house? Try this:
Method A: AARDVARKS
Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known
ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).
Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.
Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose
motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste
entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between
game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they’ve raided
it for yet another six-pack.
Method B: LARGE BOOTS
Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably),
obtain a friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to
Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.
Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling
of a “Holy War Against Ants” attitude in your boot wielding friend.
Show them videos of “Them” and “The Hellstrom Chronicles”.
Method C: NAPALM
Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111’s or similar
fighter-bomber military aircraft.
Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide,
Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property
values. Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you
incinerate schools or houses.
Method D: TECHNO
Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they
subscribe to Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and
make frequent posts along the lines of: “My pheromone operating system
is better than yours”, “Evil drug companies are withholding antennae
rot cures” and “Green Cards for Worker Ants Spam” – encourage
flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant society will collapse in a
sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass hysteria.
Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.
Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of