ANT Genocide

Ants in your house? Try this:


Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known
ant hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).

Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.

Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose
motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste
entire afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between
game shows and forgetting to close the fridge door when they’ve raided
it for yet another six-pack.


Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably),
obtain a friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to
the ants.

Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.

Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling
of a “Holy War Against Ants” attitude in your boot wielding friend.
Show them videos of “Them” and “The Hellstrom Chronicles”.

Method C: NAPALM

Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111’s or similar
fighter-bomber military aircraft.

Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide,
visually spectacular.

Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property
values. Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you
incinerate schools or houses.

Method D: TECHNO

Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they
subscribe to Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and
make frequent posts along the lines of: “My pheromone operating system
is better than yours”, “Evil drug companies are withholding antennae
rot cures” and “Green Cards for Worker Ants Spam” – encourage
flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant society will collapse in a
sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass hysteria.

Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.

Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of

Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Amedar Consulting Group

    I’m often to running a blog and i actually appreciate your content. The article has really peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your website and maintain checking for brand new information.

  2. I simply want to tell you that I am new to blogging and honestly liked this web site. More than likely I’m want to bookmark your blog . You absolutely have incredible articles. Thank you for sharing your web-site.

Comments are closed