All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 4 of 4)

  1. Invite your roommate to sleep over.
  2. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
  3. Walk into walls.
  4. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
  5. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”
  6. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
  7. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, “I’m watching you.”
  8. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, “Speedy Delivery!” until s/he comes out.
  9. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you’ve turned into Gumby.
  10. Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
  11. Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rots.
  12. Wear a silly hat.
  13. Tell him/her that you’re committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
  14. Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
  15. Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
  16. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you’re afraid of aliens.
  17. Eat raw pasta for dinner.
  18. Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
  19. Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
  20. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.
  21. Spend hours in your room on personal hygiene. Spend at least an hour a day clipping your nails, another hour combing your hair, yet another hour washing your face and hands, etc.
  22. Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, “I bought it for the articles.”
  23. Take a thirty-minute shower. Turn the water off. Go to the toilet for five minutes. Get back in the shower and take another thirty-minute shower. If your roommate comments, shake your head and mutter, “Damn diarrhea.”
  24. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
  25. Leave morbid outgoing messages on your answering machine. Be creative.
  26. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after s/he gets home, walk out. If s/he comments, act as if you don’t know what s/he’s talking about.
  27. Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.
  28. Place porn mags, both soft- and hard-core, around the room. Buy ten or twenty jars of Vaseline. Stack them in a pile in a corner on the floor. Whenever your roommate is expecting company, smear your hands with Vaseline. When greeting them, shake hands vigorously for a minute.
  29. Whenever you’re talking to your roommate, add extra words to your sentences (“Hey Dan, did you turn in your Calculus -lick- homework?”). When talking to other people around your roommate, add his/her name to your conversation (“Can you give me the -Dan- notes for Friday’s physics class?”). If your roommate comments, act as if you don’t know what s/he’s talking about.
  30. Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don’t play anything coherent. Play “Hot Cross Buns” or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect.
  31. Take up cooking. Cook exotic foods from scratch without using any cookbooks or recipes.
  32. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.
  33. Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they’ll scare “your friends” away.
  34. Invite your invisible friends over for a few weeks. Blame them when all his/her beer is gone. Be convincing.
  35. Get a Brother P-Touch labeler. Label EVERYTHING!!!
  36. Whenever your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps over, leave wearing his/her clothes.
  37. Hide all your roommate’s stuff and tell him/her that s/he never lived with you. Extra points if s/he checks with the housing director.
  38. Give your roommate a plastic bag. Ask him/her to shit in it because your pet dung beetles are hungry.
  39. Borrow your roommate’s clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.
  40. Replace his/her toothpaste with Fix-O-Dent.
  41. If you live on the first floor, refuse to use the door. Climb in and out through the window. Claim doctor’s orders.
  42. Hide under a pile of dirty clothes in the closet. Twitch a lot and mutter, “They can’t suck my brain if they can’t find me!”
  43. Scratch your head a lot. Pretend to eat the lice you find. Offer one to your roommate.
  44. Don’t shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench. Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.
  45. Talk about your roommate to the little man who lives in your pocket.
  46. Groom yourself like a cat.
  47. Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.
  48. Organize a black mass. Tell your roommate that the sacrifice backed out at the last minute and if s/he would volunteer.
  49. Say everything in Pig Latin.
  50. Save all of your nail clippings. Make sculptures out of them.
  51. Refer to yourself in the royal third person.
  52. Funnel Pepsi.
  53. Spend all of your money on Alvin and the Chipmunks records. Play them constantly. Say that it’s an assignment for your “Popular Music in the Youth Subculture” class.
  54. Save the wrappers to everything that you eat. Collect them in a ball and store it on your roommate’s bed.
  55. Paint a mural depicting Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo on your roommate’s mattress. Hand it in to your art teacher for a grade.
  56. Refuse to wash your underwear. Say that you are trying to prove LaMarck’s theory of spontaneous generation.
  57. Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate’s questions before s/he asks them.
  58. Make your bed 15 times a day. Sleep on the floor.
  59. Save your used tissues. Have snowball fights.
  60. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.
  61. Throw out your bed. Move in with your roommate.
  62. Wear all of your clothes backwards.
  63. Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.
  64. Name your books. Call them like dogs when it’s time to study.
  65. Cut the faces out of all your pictures.
  66. Hang all of your posters up backwards.
  67. Pick up the phone every two minutes. Then slam it down and say, “Damn, missed them again!” Continue for two weeks.
  68. Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!
  69. Wear khakis and riding boots around the room. Goosestep often.
  70. Steal all of your roommate’s pens. Make a tower out of them. Bite him/her if s/he tries to get them back.
  71. Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.
  72. Open the window. After 30 minutes, complain about the cold and open it wider.
  73. Two words: Nudist colony.
  74. Listen to Morrisey. Be happy before, during, and after you listen.
  75. Tattoo your roommate’s name on your butt. Insist that s/he do the same for you.
  76. Get a loft. Sleep hanging upside down from it like a bat.
  77. Play Dungeons and Dragons a lot. (A lot means that you should own a sword, and at some time during the year you should dress up as your character.)
  78. Wear Underoos.
  79. Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.
  80. Walk around with a hot dog sticking out of your fly. Act like it isn’t there.
  81. Put a chamber pot in your closet. Fill it with lemon-lime Gatorade. Pretend to use it. Drink from it and offer your roommate a cup.
  82. Make your finger talk to you. Write backwards on the walls. 380. Constantly ask your roommate, “Do you feel lucky?” while fingering a bulge under your jacket.
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