All The Ways To Confuse, Annoy, And Screw With Your Roommate – (page 3 of 4)

  1. Talk back to your “Rice Krispies.” All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, “No, I want to watch them suffer.”
  2. Change the locks on the door. Don’t let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can’t guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
  3. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, “Well, it was fun while it lasted.”
  4. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate’s idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
  5. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate’s possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
  6. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
  7. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
  8. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that s/he has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
  9. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
  10. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
  11. Steal something valuable of your roommate’s. If s/he asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
  12. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
  13. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, “Don’t do that.”
  14. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it’s a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
  15. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”
  16. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, “It had to be done.”
  17. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. (“Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!”)
  18. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what’s wrong, explain that your shadow can’t box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
  19. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, “Oh, you’re here!” Walk away yelling and cursing.
  20. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
  21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
  22. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, “Don’t worry. It’s not what you think.” If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
  23. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
  24. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, “Damn road runner….”
  25. Leave memos on your roommate’s bed that say things like, “I know what you did,” and “Don’t think you can fool me.” Sign them in blood.
  26. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If s/he protests, tell him/her that it’s all for charity.
  27. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you’d like to have a conversation.
  28. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if s/he doesn’t swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
  29. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, “We’ll continue this later,” while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
  30. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
  31. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they’re stupid and they don’t know what they’re talking about.
  32. Watch “Psycho” every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
  33. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonald’s, can I take your… Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
  34. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.
  35. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If s/he asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
  36. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, “Stupid horseshoe….”
  37. Carve a jack-o’lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don’t like the jack-o’lantern, but you can’t convince it to move out.
  38. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
  39. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
  40. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
  41. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, “Remember the good old days, when we used to…” and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
  42. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
  43. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, “Boy, these zoos just aren’t what they used to be.”
  44. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there’s going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When s/he returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
  45. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
  46. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
  47. Make pancakes every morning, but don’t eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your “pancake farm” isn’t evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
  48. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
  49. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
  50. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
  51. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they’re for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If s/he tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman’s teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman’s teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
  52. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before s/he goes to class.
  53. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, “It’s not funny anymore.”
  54. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
  55. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to “wipe out,” and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to “rescue” you.
  56. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, “I was curious.”
  57. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don’t plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn’t know what it’s doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
  58. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you’re going away to “find yourself.” Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you’re not a hard man/woman to find.
  59. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
  60. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.
  61. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If s/he asks about it, say, “Oh, that damn hypnotist….”
  62. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, “How nice to see you again.”
  63. Get a can of beans. Label them, “Jumping beans.” Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, “Dancing beans.” Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, “Kill Your Roommate beans.” Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
  64. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, “It’s time to go to bed now.”
  65. Insist that your roommate recite the “Pledge Of Allegiance” with you every morning.
  66. Recite Dr. Seuss books all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them loudly and directly to your roommate. If s/he tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
  67. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn’t obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until s/he pays the tickets.
  68. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, “Don’t worry, little buckaroo. You’ll be safe with me.”
  69. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to “fix” them.
  70. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, “Roommate Dying in a Car Crash,” and “Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel.” Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
  71. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, “Who’s that?” every time your roommate enters the room. When you’re not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
  72. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that “Grandma said ‘hi.'”
  73. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of “inert gases.” Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
  74. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
  75. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that s/he looked like “the enemy.”
  76. Put headphones on your roommate while s/he is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
  77. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, “Silly me,” open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
  78. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, “Your momma isn’t here to take care of you any more.”
  79. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, “In a little while I’ll have enough for that sailboat.”
  80. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
  81. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you’re trying to read something. Tell your roommate it’s a message from God, but you’re not sure whether it’s a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
  82. Whenever your roommate has company, walk over into the middle of the room and sit down cross-legged without saying a word. Be oblivious to their presence. Pull a long piece of string out of your pocket, leaving one end still in your pocket. Take the other end and place it in your mouth. Make LOUD chewing noises as you chew on the string. If anybody says anything give them a questioning look, grunt, and continue to chew while staring, unfocused, straight ahead.
  83. Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, “That looks good…” as you highlight passages in the book.
  84. Every now and then start twitching violently and scream “Snakes, snakes!”
  85. Subscribe to as many mailing lists and reply to as much junk mail as possible under your roommate’s name. Complain that you never get mail.
  86. Wear your clothing backwards and walk around the room backwards.
  87. Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.
  88. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you’re doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of hiding and tell him/her that s/he gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to him/her for several hours.
  89. Tie bedsheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the dorm every morning.
  90. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
  91. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, “Let me in.” Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
  92. Talk on the phone a lot. Don’t pick up the receiver.
  93. Talk to your roommate but don’t let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
  94. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
  95. Start a brothel.
  96. Constantly slip and fall-on your carpet.
  97. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” Check every time to make sure s/he follows it.
  98. Invite the Dean to sleep over.
  99. Invite the school President to sleep over.
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