Academic Ranks

THE DEAN

  • Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
  • Is more powerful than a locomotive
  • Is faster than a speeding bullet
  • Walks on water
  • Gives policy to God

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THE DEPARTMENT HEAD

  • Leaps short buildings in a single bound
  • Is more powerful than a switch engine
  • Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
  • Talks with God

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PROFESSOR

  • Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
  • Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
  • Is faster than a speeding BB
  • Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
  • Talks with God if a special request is honored

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ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

  • Barely clears a quonset hut
  • Loses tug of war with a locomotive
  • Can fire a speeding bullet
  • Swims well
  • Is occassionally addressed by God

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ASSISTANT PROFESSOR

  • Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
  • Is run over by locomotives
  • Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
  • Treads water
  • Talks to animals

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INSTRUCTOR

  • Climbs walls continually
  • Rides the rails
  • Plays Russian Roulette
  • Walks on thin ice
  • Prays a lot

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GRADUATE STUDENT

  • Runs into buildings
  • Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
  • Is not issued ammunition
  • Can stay afloat with a life jacket
  • Talks to walls

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UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT

  • Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
  • Says “Look at the choo-choo”
  • Wets himself with a water pistol
  • Plays in mud puddles
  • Mumbles to himself

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DEPARTMENT SECRETARY

  • Lifts buildings and walks under them
  • Kicks locomotives off the tracks
  • Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
  • Freezes water with a single glance
  • She IS God.

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