* A Day in the Life of a Computer Addict *
8:45 Get up.
9:01 Eat something that doesn’t have to be cooked so that you can eat it
while logging in to the computer.
9:17 Read email from people around the world.
9:22 Reply to everyone’s email.
9:25 Debate whether or not to irc or icb (both pretty much the same thing).
9:26 Decide that ICB is what you want, and login into it.
9:30 Talk to the people you just emailed and tell them all about the email
you just sent them.
10:02 Say hi to all “newbies”.
10:04 *Hug* all the new people.
10:06 Ask for a gender check, to make sure you hugged the right kind of
10:23 Tell a viscous joke and get booted from the group you are in.
10:31 Do /w to find the group with the most people who are the least idle.
10:42 Tell someone you are going to email them, but don’t.
11:22 Give someone your phone #, with the strict rules to call only during
daylight hours for your timezone, which they have no idea what it is.
11:34 Change to your own group, and as moderator make it completely
11:35 Invite 10 people into your restricted group, making it the largest
group on ICB and making you feel like a real popular person.
11:37 Boot half of the people you invited, because you suddenly realize the
group is too big and you want just an “elite” crowd.
12:00 Break for lunch. Go into a separate group called “Lunch”.
12:25 Back from lunch, restart your elite group.
12:33 Flirt with that person from USC, promise to exchange pictures through
boring “snail mail”.
12:57 Enter huge debate about which smiley face is the best seen on a
1:07 Boot anyone who disagrees with you.
1:17 Spend much time not talking to your group, since you are /m’ing private
messages to people you don’t know, nor probably would want to if you
ever saw them in person.
1:45 Say “brb” and go answer that talk request.
2:01 Back in the group, you see most of the members were idle without your
brilliant icb presence to keep them talking.
2:14 Yell at the idlers to “get a life”.
2:17 Boot the idlers. Invite more people into your elite group.
2:22 /w a thousand times in a effort to find that one person you are hoping
to see on ICB.
2:44 Talk to the person sitting next to you and 3 other people in the same
room as you, via ICB.
3:15 Change group topic six times in an effort to correctly spell that funny
line you heard on Letterman last night that is now your funny topic.
4:04 Make plans to come visit everyone next time you make it out that way.
4:17 Someone told a joke that makes you laugh out loud. You try to stifle
the laugh so that the rest of the people in the computer lab don’t
think you are whacked because you are laughing at a computer screen.
Type “hahaha” or “hee hee” to let your fellow ICB’ers know you are
laughing at their remark, even though it doesn’t convey the fact that
you have just peed in your pants.
4:44 Do a /w. Realize there are some geeks who have been on since 8am!
Make funny remarks about them needing to “buy a life” and so on.
When someone remarks that you have been on since nearly 9am, boot them.
5:03 Break for dinner. Change group name to “Dinner” as all your groupmates
go off to eat also.
5:39 Back from dinner. Beep everyone to wake them up.
5:47 Wonder why the joints in your fingers creak, your neck aches, and your
eyes can no longer differentiate between objects in real life and on a
6:18 Complain about the “lag from hell”. Realize it might be because you
threw 7 processes in the background that are hogging up your CPU time.
6:20 Kill all the unused processes.
6:22 Complain about the “damn lag” again, and agree that the computer should
be updated so that useful educational programs such as ICB can
6:59 The person you have been waiting for all day logs in and enters your
group. Just as you are about to say “hi”, they log off, most likely call
waiting nuked their connection.
7:02 Swear using all the @#$%^&*(characters to be damn sure not to offend
your fucking groupmates who obviously have a shit life and are
addicted, unlike you who can quit this anytime.
7:27 After waiting around, you realize the person must be involved in a long
phone call, and decided to logoff.
7:29 Decide not to logoff. What else is there to do tonight?? Star Trek:
The Next Generation is a re-run.
7:47 They log back into your group, and tell you it was their significant
other (not a computer user) who called them (the nerve!) and nuked
8:04 Start /m’ing someone from the west coast, and begin flirting over the
net. Denote all your net actions with *’s surrounding what you do
(*massage so-and-so* *kiss* *hug* etc.)
8:20 Engage in some steamy net sex and hope the person isn’t *really*
getting off on it (it’s only a computer, after all).
8:22 Have a net cigarette.
8:24 Exchange physical descriptions of each other with the other user.
Exaggerate your looks since after all, they will never see you in real
9:05 Say hi to all the new people who logged in and haven’t been on all day,
since they have lives/aren’t addicts.
9:11 Kid around that you are “addicted” but then really wonder if you are.
9:12 Deny your addiction…after all, you do know people outside of the
10:37 *yawn* and *sigh* to signify your boredom and desire for a significant
other. Realize your best chance of meeting anybody is through this
damn machine that you have been logged into for over 13 hours straight.
11:57 Debate going home, but then realize all the neat people from the west
coast are just beginning to login, because of the time difference.
12:35 Break for a snack. Say you will “brb”, one of many clever acronyms you
use to save keystrokes, along with “bbl” for “be back later” and
“ttfn” for “ta-ta for now”.
1:56 Remind yourself to write some crazy file about a day in the life of a
computer addict but realize you have to be one to write it.
2:10 Realize you ARE one and decide it is just about time to logoff.
2:16 Net crash. Log back in.
2:17 Remark how the “net goes up and down like a two bit prostitute.”
2:57 Heck, the sun will be up soon, and how often do you get to see the sunri
se. Might as well stay logged in.
3:50 Think to yourself that maybe you should do your masters thesis on sleep
deprivation and the effects of computer addiction, if you ever get your
4:34 Start great philosophical debate: If people from finland’s email
addresses end in .fi, and people from japan’s addresses end in .jp,
israel in .il, and so on; then why do people from the US end in .edu?
5:00 Go home, take some aspirin for the headache after debating one of the
greatest unknowns of our time (no, not because you have been staring at
a CRT for 20 hours straight!) and get some sleep so that you will be
coherent enough to login later in the morning.
by Scott Yanoff (firstname.lastname@example.org)