100+ Ways #Barney Should Die

  1. Nitroglycerin suppository
  2. My First (and Last) Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
  3. Paper cuts from hate mail
  4. Wine press
  5. Random act of terrorism
  6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
  7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
  8. Exploding gas barbeque
  9. Date with Lorana Bobbit / Tonya Harding
  10. Rusty meat hook
  11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
  12. Sexually transmitted disease
  13. Lethal ingestion of bean sprouts and tofu
  14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
  15. Baney meets the Terminator. “Hasta la vista…BARNEY!”.
  16. Exploding school bus
  17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and happiness to all of the carnivores.
  18. Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide
  19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
  20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
  21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
  22. Asphyxiation on a twinkie
  23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
  24. 1,000 RPM merry-go-round
  25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
  26. Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road
  27. Tail caught in elevator doors
  28. Legalization of purple slavery
  29. Home lobotomy kit
  30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric, chromic, hydrofluoric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
  31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
  32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
  33. Close encounter with a white supremist.
  34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
  35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
  36. Swarmed by killer bees
  37. Purple parasites
  38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
  39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)
  40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
  41. Assimilation by the Borg.
  42. Acupuncture with a nail gun
  43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
  44. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
  45. Hit and run at a school crossing
  46. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
  47. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
  48. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
  49. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
  50. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
  51. Harpooned by a whaling ship
  52. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and “accidentally” pummelled with a baseball bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature).
  53. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
  54. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
  55. OOPS! Barney shouldn’t have soldered that propane tank while full.
  56. Mistaken for a Pinyata
  57. Run over by a zamboni
  58. “I love you” song triggers avalanche.
  59. “Accidentally” shoved in front of a subway train.
  60. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
  61. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
  62. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
  63. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would you like McFries with that?)
  64. Inquiring minds want to know…What is the tensile strength of Barney?
  65. Used as a crashtest dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can happen to you if you don’t wear your seatbelt.
  66. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
  67. Barney used as shark bait.
  68. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
  69. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
  70. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
  71. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
  72. Nato air strike.
  73. Live organ donor.
  74. Egyptian mummification ritual.
  75. Plummet into an active volcano.
  76. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
  77. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
  78. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
  79. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.
  80. Purple Jonestown reagent.
  81. Visit to the taxidermist.
  82. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
  83. Take him off Prozac.
  84. Forced to watch “The Wall” video without his happy pills.
  85. 100 hours of continuous “Black Sabbath”.
  86. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
  87. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
  88. Spontaneous combustion.
  89. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
  90. Compressed to a singularity.
  91. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
  92. Send him to a Bill’s game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
  93. The plague
  94. Extruded through microcapillaries.
  95. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
  96. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
  97. Pre-mortem autopsy reveals that Barney’s head is full of worms.
  98. Massage with a stun gun.
  99. Heat pasteurization.
  100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
  101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
  102. Barney meets Elmira (I’m gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)
  103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
  104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
  105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
  106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
  107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
  108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
  109. Confine him with Marvin the depressed Android (Douglas Adams).
  110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.
  111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
  112. Paint “Branch Dividian & Proud of it” and drop him off at the BATF hq.
  113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.
  114. Barney scrapple.
  115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
  116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masterbate.
  117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.
  118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.
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